Episode 6 The Garrison Commander

Welcome everyone old and new to another recap of Outlander, Good to have you! 🙂 🙂

Wow. We all thought King Joffrey was evil, but Jack Randall is ten times worse. Congratulations Diana Gabaldon, you have now created the most evil, frightening villain in all of the history of literature. Darth Vader, Iago, Dracula, The Walking Dude, all of them pale in comparison to the monstrous evil displayed by this thoroughly wicked English Dragoon. You Win. Everyone can just stop writing bad guys now, Herself has set the bar. And for readers of the book, they know the worst is yet to come. For anyone who thinks this is going to be predictable, look out, it’s not. If by the end of this season, you are not in utter shock with your jaw hanging open after what you see this man do, I’ll be surprised. And Tobias Menzies, you are amazing sir. Simply fucking amazing. I don’t know how you haven’t just become the world’s worst alcoholic yet for having to portray this man. Kudos, Massive, massive Kudos.

Next up, I share an Outmander related thing this week that made me laugh. It is a post from a husband that tells how to handle an obsessive Outlanderphile. This also works for all mates, wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, etc. with a few variations in pronouns, I’m sure you’ll understand what goes on and how to deal with your obsessive Outlander fan. I have been given permission here to share the link so here it is: http://www.twitlonger.com/show/n_1rmcjeh  Written by William Burdick @wehrl2002 on twitter. Truly funny stuff.

This episode had everything: laughs, thrills, tears, (lots of tears) violence, action, and horror. Just like Diana Gabaldon’s books, you find yourself witnessing visceral horror and then the next page she’ll throw in a zinger that makes you laugh for an hour. Same with this show. I can’t wait for you all who haven’t read the books to meet young Ian. That kid is hysterical. So that’s that and we are on to another recap. Thanks again to all my new followers, and those who have been with me from the beginning. Have a great read, and hope you stick around for cake afterwards. Enjoy!

1. While we’re watching the intro and credits, I want to say something about bustle and bun roll. I’m a guy, so I see this as a non issue. Insert your favorite word there, you know what I’m talking about. J That means you sis. Love ya. Don’t worry, I’ll change it when I get around to it.

2. DISCLAIMER: this blog post may have more than a few dirty words so if that offends you proceed cautiously. I’m looking at you mother. This was a pretty visceral episode, what with the flogging and Randall hitting my future wife, that I’m going to use some visceral words. I’m a guy, and I like to use that kind of language when I feel it’s appropriate. Sorry in advance for the offense. I’m channeling George Carlin today. Please forgive me. I blame it on the tequila, which I needed in abundance for this episode.

3. So the episode starts with the answer from last week. And Claire, knowing on which side her bread is buttered, replies, “Why fiddle dee dee, officer, I assure you ah’m fine in this man’s care and I’m his guest.” (Don’t know why I made Claire into Scarlett O’Hara there, but oh well.) The looks Dougal was giving here were priceless. Like, “Hon, if you don’t tell him you’re fine, it’s going to be hell for the both of us, and no mistake.” So English Cutie, Leftennant Babyface says, “That’s all well and good, but I’m going to have to ask you to come with me because my superior officer wants to talk to you and see what’s up so, yeah, there’s that.” and Dougal replies, if she’s going, I am too. And they tromp off to the exciting Riding The Horses Through Scotland Montage.

4. I didn’t find the VO very annoying this episode. To be honest, this one and one other were the only ones I noticed. And they weren’t redundant like they have been in the past. I’m curious to find out, if we took out the VO would we understand the story? Maybe during the hiatus I will attempt to do that and see what the episodes feel like without. Mind you, this isn’t a criticism of the producers and directors, it’s just a curiosity experiment.

5. So they get to a village, which looks awesome by the way, and my first thought is, “Where do they find these places. Is this a set?” and my girlfriend, always being helpful says to me, “Scotland.” Like I don’t know that. Always sarcastic, that one. ❤ The Troops dismount and Leftennant Babyface says, “don’t let these Scots touch your stuff, do it yourself. I don’t trust them at all.”
SIDE NOTE: Before I get comments saying, “it’s lieutenant” I just want you to know, I know that. I’m just saying Leftennant because the soldiers in this show do and I think its funny. Don’t kill me on this one. No disrespect.

He guides them upstairs where a full English Party is going on. A bunch of stuffy English Ponces are carrying on about this and that when She walks in.

6. Instantly, every single man there turns into Joe Tribiani. What the hell guys? I mean, do you have to turn into wolves whenever you see a pretty lady? What you haven’t bedded a woman in years? And General Joey white Cher Wig comes up to her, all charm and false grace, just fawning all over Claire it made me sick. I’m like, “Dude, she’s not going to let you grind her corn, you’re wasting your time!” (see what I did there? Yeah, expect more of that because I think it’s funny in a ridiculous sort of way, so I’m going to hammer that saying a couple more times. Yeah, I am.) And Claire, playing the part of Scarlett again, is totes into it, all “Thanks,” and “That’s lovely,” all the while giving the guys the simpering eye and the graceful smile and the rosy cheeks. Just controlling the room and it’s funny to watch these guys go nutty over her like they all have a shot. General Tribiani offers her his venison, cheese, and 10 year old claret which is no Rhennish, I assure you.

7. Dougal’s standing there while this performance is going on, not saying a thing. And this is where I start really liking the guy because all during this next exchange, General Joey Cher Wig is insulting him and calling him a noble savage, and why don’t people up here talk like the English and he comes back with a zinger. “If you don’t like the way we talk in Scotland, you’re free to go back to London.”

Yikes. It’s the same way Southerners feel when Yankees come south and say, “We can’t understand you, why don’t you speak English?” and we’re all like, “uh, we are, and if you don’t like it, there’s a road going north, you can see where it takes you.” Well, then we get into kilts and what is underneath. No one knows except the guy who wears it, and at about this time, Dougal has had enough. I mean there’s only so much a noble laird can take, says, “are ye trying to be an asshole or what?“ Then English Leftennant Babyface gets into Dougal’s face and admonishes him about talking to the General that way, and Dougal just says in a matter of fact tone, “you want to pull that needle, we’ll see who pricks first.” At which point Claire does her Diplomacy check on Dougal and Leftennant Babyface and they calm down. General Tribiani comes over, congratulates her and says he’d give her a commission on how to handle men. Because apparently she has all the men here under her control.

8. Dougal stalks downstairs, and there’s the Eating Dinner and Drinking Wine Montage, where she is presumably telling the boys all about her adventures in Scotland. They are all on the edge of their seats, General Joey is just wrapped around her little finger, English Cutie is saying, “Sure, I’d loooove to take her to Inverness or wherever she wants to go, that’s a wonderful idea and then HE walks in. Black Jack Randall, and he’s pissed about something. And this is where I digress, please bear with me. Because he’s such an important character, I have to say a few words, from a writer’s point of view.

Thoughts on Black Jack Randall: Every villain in the history of literature has some redeeming quality in them, something for the reader or viewer to latch on to and say, “Yeah, well, I can kinda understand why he or she does that.” but Randall has none of this. Diana has created a one of a kind person here who is totally devoid of anything that can be considered redeeming or, dare I say, likeable? When I read the books I just kept thinking, “There has to be something about this guy that makes him do what he does, some kind of feature that I can at least connect to with this guy.” but I never found it. And it’s not in the show either. I actually hate this man with so much passion I can’t stand it. I want him to die a horrible painful death. Even the most repellent bad guy has something that skewed him in one way or the other but Randall doesn’t. He is just plain evil for evil’s sake. He possesses no good qualities whatsoever. But he’s not a Snidely Whiplash either, because he’s so well written that there are many levels to him. I think what is so alarming about him is that he embraces what he is so wholeheartedly and he doesn’t mind it. It’s a part of him, like an arm or a leg. He just breathes darkness and has no willingness to change. I guess that’s what makes this character fascinating to me. Ok, back to it, then.
7. Randall, hereafter referred to as BJR or BJ because that’s all this guy’s worth, is dirty from the road, and like Pigpen comes in without any preamble or niceties. General Joey is horrified, not because of the interruption, but because “the Claret“. Like it’s the best thing in the world. “My yes, we MUST protect the Claret.“ he says before going back to the door and seeing HER. I can only imagine their eye conversation. He’s all like, “Da fuck?“ and she’s all like, “yeah, didn’t expect me to be here did you, bastard?“ after a few seconds of this BJ goes back to the door, all the while looking at his commanding officer, kicks dirt off his boots, flaps his jacket, and comes back, “Am I clean enough for you now, Bitch? There’s a Scottish Warchief downstairs right now, what are you doing about it?” To which General Joey says, “Yeah, I knew about it, he’s the one that brought Claire Curly hair here.” By the way, General: DITCH THE PONCY LOOKING NECK BOW THING ALREADY! You want to be a hit with the lady? Don’t dress like a girly man. After a few more bits of conversation General Poncybow says, “Hey, here’s a thought, Claire’s going to Inverness, why don’t you take her?” to which Claire’s all like, “Yeah, no. that’s okay. Really, I’d rather go with Leftennant baby face over here if that’s okay with y’all.” Then they get into politics and this is where Claire starts eating a foot sandwich. “If you fucking people left the Scots alone, you wouldn’t have any problem with them. Jees. Is that so hard to understand?” They all start questioning her loyalties and all the while I’m saying, “Woman, shut the fuck up, you’re ruining it! Roll a diplomacy check again, please, quick!” But at that point, a young man comes in and tells General Tribiani about an attack and some guy’s downstairs needs to be patched up. So Claire goes down to investigate.

8. They find the guy who’s hurt and he needs an amputation. Long story short, they cut the guy’s arm off and that’s all well and good and all but the sound that saw makes cutting through skin and bone. Well, Foley artists have an Emmy nod just for that. Claire goes back up to find everyone gone except for BJ the douche. He starts in on her and here’s a good point to talk to Claire one on one. He’s getting a shave, and naturally the boy messes up and nicks him. At this point, BJ stands up, tells the boy to sit, and then threatens to cut his throat.
SIDE NOTE: Hey, what is it with you fuckers?! Why is it every time one of the regular working folks mess up you have to threaten their lives? Jees, chill out, would you? First a tailor who messes up a coat, “I’ll gut you like a pig. Make it right tailor man!” by Bendy Legs Mackenzie, and then a barber, just trying to make ends meet and put food on the table, keep a roof over their heads, and you people keep threatening their lives! Leave them alone already, not everyone is perfect. Jees, so he made your coat wrong, let it go. Oh, poor baby, got your cheek cut by a barber shave. Like you’re the first person that’s ever happened to. Don’t be a dick about it and threaten to cut the guys’ throat. What’s next? Hey, Mr. Blacksmith, didn’t shoe that horse right, gonna have to cut your arm off! Would you fuckers lay off the NPC’s already? Dude’s just trying to make a living and work their trade and you fuckers are all up in their grill all the time. They’re human, they’re going to mess up. Let it go already. Okay, sorry about the rant. I’ll get back to Claire and BJ talking now. FYI: There will be a glossary at the end of the rant.

9. Claire, darling. Let me talk to you about a word I like to use while playing poker. It’s called Tells, and baby doll you have a lot of them. I know in the book you’re supposed to have what is called a glass face (and as far as that goes Caitriona Balfe you are nailing that) But even I know everything that you say is a lie. Even if I haven’t been following your story up to this point I would know you’re lying through your teeth. And BJ knows it too. He can spot a fake, and baby are you it! Now, I know you can’t tell him about the whole, Going Through The Stones Deal but can you at least try to come up with a better story than, “I was almost raped by a bad guy and fled in my shift” story? When you lie it shows, and shows big time. Didn’t you listen to a damn thing your husband said or did it go in one ear and out the other, like my son when I tell him to do the dishes and clean his room. “Why the hell are you sitting here, I asked you to do it two damn days ago!” Sorry, a little digression there. (Yeah, but son, get up and do the dishes already. Skyrim can wait)

10. Then we get into the Interrogation Scene. I have very little to say here. She goes on about some lame story where she fell in love with a guy and he used her. Typical woman story, I met a guy and fell in love and he wanted to do crazy things to me so I ran away without any of my possessions. Yeah, right. BJ is all like, “hey, what did the Eskimo say to the ice salesman?” Claire answers, “I don’t know, what?” and BJ comes back with a drawing of her and says, “I’m not buying it! Hey, you like this? I’m going to give this artistic ability to my so many great grandkid but he’s going to use it to draw your hand a lot. Me? I’m going to use it to torment and sow hatred throughout the land. Bwah ha ha!” He’s never going to believe you, and he doesn’t want to because he wants to hurt you. A lot. He wants to hurt everyone. I don’t know why, maybe his parents shit in his cornflakes every morning before he went to the Sussex Parochial school for Douchebaggery. And do me a favor, BJ, don’t pour the Claret out the window! Awww. Too late. Dammit! I was going to need more of that!

11. Speaking of douchebaggery, we next come to the Flogging Scene. It’s brutal and gory and bloody and just fucking hard to watch. In the books, Jamie talks about it to Claire and we get it from their points of view but here, Randall goes on about it in his own words. It’s a character development scene where he shows his evil side. It turns out he loved every moment of it. Trying to get Jamie to have a reaction and let Randall know he’s beaten him in both mind and body. But Jamie is too stubborn to do that and that pisses Randall off even more. It’s a battle of wills, and even though Jamie is tied to a post and is getting it bad from Randall, he never gives in. It is an orgy of violence, a “sadistic masterpiece” and we get deeper into the blackness that is Jack Randall. I can’t say enough about Tobias Menzies’ performance here. He just gets into it and keeps on lashing and it’s great to see him totally get into character. Kudos, now I hate you even more. I could only watch it once, as it makes my stomach turn even thinking about it so that’s all I have to say about that.

12. After his recitation is finished, Claire still thinks that there’s some good in him, that he can be redeemed. (WRONG!) and tries another tack. He lets her think she’s doing some good by going into this, “The war has changed me but maybe I can become a decent person. You think I can?” and she says, “Maybe, just let me go and that’s a start, yeah?” (Claire, you’re wrong. This guy ain’t no Darth Vader. There is no good in him, there will never be good in him, ever. He’s not going to throw the king down a shaft in the Death Star to save you at the last minute.) He gets up, calls for the guard outside to come in. Then he turns back to her, says, “Okay, you win. I’ll get you on a trip to Inverness, and you’ll be on your way. See? This is me trying to be decent.” At that point I’m thinking, okay, they’re going to divert from the books again. Now what? BAM! Did he just gut punch her? What the hell? No, rewind that shit! Yeah! He gut punched her! Motherfucker! And the look of pain she has on her face makes me think Tobias actually hit her. I’ve been gut punched like that before and when it happens, you have no idea the pain. Her look says it all. Shock, horror, and a million other emotions, like, “What the fuck? Did he just hit me?” Then he grabs her by the hair, says probably the most chilling thing ever. “I dwell in darkness, madam. Darkness is where I belong. I need none of your sympathy and you‘ll get none from me.” Then he orders Corporal Hawkins to kick her, which he does reluctantly a couple of times before Dougal comes to her rescue.
SIDE NOTE: Please, Diana Gabaldon, by all that is holy, would you please tell us where this character came from? How did you create such a monster? That is all.

13. Dougal stares down Randall, the corporal and everyone that comes into the room. BJ says, “Fine, but bring her back tomorrow morning or I will consider all of you outlaws and come to find you, no matter what it takes or how many wars I have to start.” Dougal and Claire leave, ride out of the town to a spring with sulfuric water. Much like the town water in Cape Charles it’s awful, smelly, and filled with horrible carcinogens that will probably rot the insides of anyone who drinks it on a regular basis. He finally asks her, “Are you a spy for the English?” and she tells him “No, now will you believe me?” He pulls a knife just in case and hides it behind his back because at this point I can imagine he’s had it up to here with the whole Claire Randall Experience. But he says finally, “Okay, you’ve convinced me.” and she’s all like, “Why now?” He tells her the superstitions about the spring water, it’s the Liar’s Spring, anyone who tells a lie will die a horrible death. “So now what do we do?” she asks.

14. So, Dougal is all matter of fact and explains that to keep her out of the hands of the British, she has to become Scottish. Well, citizenship being what it was in the 18th century, and all the paperwork being slow because they don’t have computers yet, he tells her, “you have to marry Jamie Fraser.” and she’s like, “Hell to the fuck no on that buddy boy!” At which point over a million women in the audience are like, “I’ll do it! Hand me the contract, where do I sign?” Dougal says “It’s the only way to go and you have to do it, otherwise Randall gets what he wants, and you don’t want that shit, I assure you. Besides, it has to be Jamie. I mean, as much as I’d like to grind your corn, (which, by the way, is the absolute worst pickup line in the world of spoken language) I can’t do it because I’m married already.”

15. Then we see Claire, all sad looking at a marriage contract on a hill. Awww, Poor Claire Randall, having to marry Jamie Allperfect MoonyEye MacHunkington Fraser. (yeah, I spelled JAMMF) Jamie comes over, gives her a bottle and a cup and toasts with her. “So, you want to do this?” she asks. “Sure, you’re cool. And you’ve stitched me up a few times so I figure I owe you at least.” “But don’t you have your eyes set on anyone else? Surely there’s other women out there you can have.” Awww, Claire, haven’t you figured out by now with all the eyefuck he’s been doing that he only wants you? “I’m not bona fide, we’re both outlaws so it works out, ya ken?” she’s all like, whatever. I’m stuck now. “Doesn’t it bother you that I’m not a virgin?” she asks. And then, all the ladies in the audience do a heart flutter when he says, “Does it bother you that I am? Figure one of us needs to know what we’re doing, aye?” Ever the fucking romantic, eh, Jamie Fraser? God, I hate you! You’re a virgin too? Okay what do we know about you up to this point? Mooney eyes? Check! Handsome? Check! Body like an Adonis? Check! Gallant? Check! Voice that purrs like an angelic feline? Check! Take a beating from a sadistic fuck and not make a sound or cry for mercy? Check! And now a virgin to boot? HAVE A FUCKING FLAW ALREADY! JESUS H ROOSEVELT CHRIST! Even I’m a dude, and I want to marry you! Naaahh, just kidding. Don’t start thinking that, not that there’s anything wrong with that…

16. Then we see Claire stalk past the guys, grab another bottle from one of them and storm off, with Murtaugh smiling after her, and all of them thinking, “There she goes, going to get drunk and talk to flies.” To book readers, you’ll get the joke. It’s not a spoiler, it’s just a funny little scene in the book and I pray to all the gods they keep it in the show because it is freakin’ hysterical.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS: So was this the best episode yet? No. I’d put it in the middle toward the bottom. My girlfriend was bored through most of it, and I understand why. Of course, she’s in for the scenery and Mr. Fraser so when we’re locked for most of the episode inside, she loses interest. Sure, there’s a lot going on here, but I felt it was like a bridge to set up a couple of things. One being the evil of Jack Randall, and two being the forcing of marriage between Claire and Jamie. Which works by the way. Unlike a bodice ripper, the main male romantic lead isn’t your typical lusty Pirate Captain Valdez teasing aside the membrane of her innocence or anything, he’s just a good guy all around. They are both in a tight spot, and what better way to get them together than a rapaciously evil bad guy who wants to destroy them both? All in all, it was a good episode. 3 out of five stars. Episode 3 will be my favorite up to the point of number 7 (and we all know what happens there, don’t we folks? I’m sure we’ll hear SQUEEs aplenty all across the country next Saturday)

On another note, if you like horror movies, I saw one over the weekend I have to talk up. The Conjuring has now beaten Poltergeist as my new Scariest Movie Ever Award. Holy sheepshit! You have to see this movie if you love haunted house thriller tales. It is beyond awesome in it’s ability to scare the living bejeesus out of you. So with that, I’ll leave you with another Jamie Fraser Mooney Eye Pic of the week.

By the way. The cake is a lie. But I do have some corn grinding to do later on…(see what I did there? Yeah, I know its lame)

Glossary: NPC: what is called a Non Player Character. usually in role playing games, a character that is referred as this is usually your typical shop keepers, blacksmiths, school marms, tailors, etc. on screen they are one shot extras, usually only working for a day on set. I’ve been one of these a few times. Fun stuff, only no one ever threatened to kill me. 🙂