208 The Fox’s Lair

This one is for Marjorie Elaine Pare’, my daughter who turns 26 today. Jenny’s quote is for her.

Oh, Outlander, why do you test me so? You make me love you and then you pull something that makes me go “Whuuuu?” and question our relationship. But it’s okay, because the good times outweigh the bad decisions you sometimes make, so I’ll go along with that. For now. Don’t worry, I can’t quit you. But let’s not talk about this incident ever again, please. And if the fandom doesn’t get word about season 3 pretty soon, there’s going to be riots. Just kidding. We aren’t all as rabid as those Daryl Dixon Walking Dead fans… or are we?

So yes, the show did something that has a lot of people up in arms, and I’ll talk about it in the following recap. How can I not. It’s like the elephant in the room and we HAVE to talk about it. But I have to thank you for doing one thing, and that is toning down the sorrowful moments and giving us the beautiful Scottish countryside we’ve all loved. The kids are back, and we couldn’t be happier. I was really getting tired of seeing Paris green and red and stone. When you take our beloved couple out of nature, it completely changes their entire dynamic for the worse. We get a glimpse of the Power Couple in this episode, one trend I hope continues. But enough blathering, let’s discuss the shark, shall we?

1. We get a stunningly beautiful intro, with toy soldier pieces moving around boards, cars driving up to Lallybroch, a line of English muskets, Claire in a nurse outfit, explosions and war (Which leads me to believe Claire is going to have flashbacks to World War 2) and what I can only assume is a vision of Bree and Roger at a loch, but it also may be Claire and Bree as well. I’m sure we’ll find out soon enough, yeah? All in all it’s a wonderful new intro, probably the best one yet. It’s no Game of Thrones intro, but what the heck, it’s gorgeous. And so is that pic of the running highlanders in kilts, right ladies? Am I right? Look at it!

2. We are given a voiceover from our fair damsel Claire about how they’re back in Scotland and we are in Lallybroch. Wee Rabbie MacNabb is digging potatoes. It looks like a bumper crop, and the gang is all there, including a new born that Jenny cranked out in the time between when we last saw her and all the bad stuff that happened to the Dynamic Duo in Wentworth and Paris. Has it been almost a year? I guess so.

Potatoes. Mrs. Crook is wondering what to do with them. Claire and Fergus know what to do with them. Boil them, roast them, put butter on them, mashed, fried, you name it. Potatoes, the miracle vegetable. And apparently something that Scottish highlanders have never heard of, judging by the looks of astonishment and awe on their faces.

SIDE NOTE: Maybe someone can answer me on this, but why the awe over potatoes. Have they never seen or heard of them really? Are there no potatoes in Scotland at all, ever? Surely they must have had them at one point or another. This may be me being ignorant of Scottish cuisine, really. I’m sure one of my intrepid readers can give me some answers this week.

EDIT: From Herself: “Potatoes were not grown in Scotland prior to 1746. You don’t think I do my research? <g> (They were grown commonly in Ireland and were known in England–but not the Highlands of Scotland.)

3. The mail comes in the form of Murtagh and Ian, but they have to wipe their feet off first. Oh, Jenny, you remind me of every one of my sisters. I love you. The post contains a bill for the seeds, and I’m thinking, damn, even back then, they got bills in the mail. Next they’ll get annoying robo calls, harassing Emails, and people actually showing up at the door demanding payment. There’s also a letter from Charles Stuart, which can never be good.

Just when we think that the show is going to be all nice and sunny and great for all, we get pulled back into reality by Ponce Charlie and his quest for the Holy Grail, that being the throne of England. He has signed on several highland clans to a document that pretty much assures that Jamie will be branded a traitor. Again. Jamie’s all, “Fuck my life. He’s forged my signature.” Well, shit. Looks like the Rising is on after all. Despite all the crap the kids had to go through to thwart the damn thing in Paris. Outlander, why can’t you let Jamie and Claire have nice things? Just for a minute? I mean, really? Why do you make them struggle so?

4. Oh, the delicious knee porn on display in this episode. We’ve missed it for the last seven episodes and the year between seasons. Now, we’ve been given two scenes and two instances of kilted highlander knees. (They are kind of knobby tho)

Jamie is standing there, just thinking, and his hand is doing that nervous shake and I love the attention to character Sam has at that moment. Claire comes up to him and tries to convince him to leave Scotland. “We could go to Ireland, build a nice home together, keep a few pets, live happily ever after, you know, like people who aren’t in a Diana Gabaldon novel live. Free of conflict, and full of love and happiness.” But Jamie isn’t having any of it. “What about our family here at Lallybroch. What about the tenants? We going to pack them up to? No, we have to fight. But maybe with your knowledge of the Rising, we can win.” and I’m thinking, “You’re so adorable.”

Again, with the change the future thing. I’ll say it again, just so you can all get it. Time. Is. Immutable. It hates to change. And bad things will happen as a result. You know it Claire, you have to! Look what happened in paris! It was a bust, hell, even Jamie says it’s a major disappointment. And you’re still trying to influence it? We all know where this is going. Sigh.

And then he explains that everything that happened is because of her. She prevented the smallpox outbreak in France, she saved Louise’s baby, she saved Thomas Baxter,  and basically channeled Superwoman since she’s been here. So why couldn’t she change it?

5. So they have to pack up and leave Lallybroch. Again. Where are they going, you ask? To see the old Fox, Simon Lovat, Jamie’s Grandsire. A right piece of shit all the way around, from the way Jamie and Jenny talk about him. Apparently, he tried to have their mother Ellen kidnapped before she could marry their father, Brian, who is also a bastard from the Old Fox and a kitchen maid. Claire says she doesn’t care about his father being a bastard.

Then they start kissing, and doing other things, and she says, “Let’s go to bed.” so they start getting hot and heavy and passionate and I’m ready to cue the Barry White music when all of a sudden they fade to black. Outlander, I’m ashamed of you! Just when we are about to see a full on Jamie Claire Horizontal Sheet Fight, you pull a black and white movie trope to keep us spared from it? Why?! You aren’t allowed to fade to black anymore! The fans hate that! Just a few more seconds, or a minute would be all it takes! We don’t skip the lovemaking in the books, why do you have to skip it in the show!?

And no, I’m not a perv, but damn, you’ve got two beautiful people here, show them loving each other! Jesus H Roosevelt Christ! It’s okay though, because after that Claire wakes up and Jamie is gone. So she goes out to see him being too adorable for words.
6. I love when they allow time for the scenes to play out like this. One of the great things about the books are the small scenes of familial love and tenderness. They’re small reminders of why we love these people so much. Interludes that show us that this isn’t all balls to the wall action and adventure. They show us that this is about family, about marriage, about caring between a dynamic set of people.

This is no different. Here’s Jamie talking to the newborn because neither can sleep. He’s speaking Gaelic and touching the child with tender fingers, and it’s at this point all the Ovaries in the world explode. The feels here are off the chart. Even I get choked up, because this reminds me of having my own children in my lap when they were babies. Talking to them, and, well, I’ll let Jenny tell you what its like:

And it’s all true. Every. Damn. Word. Of. It. And every time I watched that scene I choked up, because that’s what being a father of a newborn child is like. It’s frightening as hell, and it’s a feeling I wouldn’t ever have wanted to miss.

7. Wee Fergus. I can’t even with this kid. Every week I don’t think he can get any more adorable, he does something that makes the Cuteometer go to 11. This time he’s riding up on a donkey, showing sincere devotion for his lord, Jamie. I mean, look at this kid!

He wants to come with Jamie to the Rising, to watch his back. All the ladies are against it, but Jamie agrees with the kid. He’s going to have to follow orders from Murtagh though. And the look on Murtagh’s face is wonderful, and I can’t wait to see them in action because this is going to be the newest comedy duo on the show right up there with Angus and Rupert.

8. Then we get a Horse Riding Montage where Claire explains in a voice over about lord Lovat. Apparently, he’s not so nice a guy, a minor villain so to speak. He has several bastard kids from wives and lovers over the years. Basically the Walder Frey of Scotland, but without all that stabby killy Red Wedding stuff in his past. He’s a scoundrel, but a lovable one, actually.

Then, they get there and they go past a clearly irate guard who posted the shit detail because he looks at the two like he’s got a bug up his kilt. They go into the castle of the Old Fox and guess who shows his face. None other than Colum MacKenzie, Laird of the MacKenzie clan. Yeah, that guy. You know, the one who told Ned to stay away from the witch trial, the one that did absolutely nothing to stop the people in Crainsmuir from wanting to put Claire on a pyre and burn her like a well done steak on the grill? Yeah. Him.

And he’s all, “What are you guys doing here?” and they’re asking him the same thing. Claire’s all standoffish because of the whole witch trial thing, and he tries to lie and say he had nothing to do with that. “Wrong place, wrong time, honeybunch.” is basically his response. “Where’s Dougal, I thought he was war chief.” says Claire.

Then the man of the episode shows up, Lord Lovat. And instantly I love him. He comes in wearing just pants and a shirt and giving no fucks. He instantly starts throwing shade by saying, “So, My grandson has married a Sassenach. Thought he would do better than his bastard father.” Jamie’s cool though, and is having none of it, “Well, at least I didn’t get a wife by means of trickery or rape.” and Lovat’s feeling the burn. Then, he’s all “Oka, enough small talk. I have to have a private chat with my grandson, and my rival. That means no women.”

9. This is the point where fans all over the world said, “Oh fuck you, Outlander!” yep, this is truly a diversion that has made the fandom go crazy in the past few days. Legwhore is back. And for no good reason either. Weeks ago when it was first announced that Diana Gabaldon said something about “Jumping the Shark” moment on Outlander, the fandom went crazy. This was taken to mean that something that never happened in the books was going to be introduced and mess things up in a big way.

And this is what she meant. Leoghaire Mackenzie shows her twisted little evil face again in this episode. We found out earlier that she had been whipped by Colum and was going to be sent to a convent but Mrs. Fitz appealed to him to keep her around. So she joined his “Go try to talk sense into Lovat” party and there she is. Now I’m all for changing things up in the books for the screen adaptation and I’m not going to go all book purist on you here but there is one thing that is fundamentally wrong here. She. Was. Never. In. DIA. At. All.

So yes, I think I will get book purist after all. Please excuse me. What. The. Actual. Fuck, Outlander?! Now you’ve written yourselves into a hole that you may not be able to write yourself out of. It makes no sense to bring her in now, even at all, when we know what happens in season 3, if there is one. Basically, there’s a major even involving Jamie and Leoghaire and Claire that I don’t want to spoil for those who haven’t read that book. In the first book, Claire only thought Leoghaire was a nuisance and was never really a major villain like she was in the show. Jamie didn’t know about the reason behind the witch trial in the books at that time so had a more sympathetic view of the lass in Voyager.

But now all that’s ruined! Because Claire tells Jamie all about Legwhore’s involvement in the trial and all the mean nasty things she said to Claire during the whole thing. So there’s going to be a huge leap of disbelief on the part of the fans when events unfold in season 3. We’ll see. Book Purist Rant over. (And I promised I wouldn’t do that. I really did. I’m sorry. It was just a big enough thing to air my feelings about that’s all.)

Okay, so putting aside my disappointment about that, let’s get back to it. Claire’s upset to see Legwhore there, and Leggie’s all, “Please forgive me, I’ve turned over a new leaf, and really, I just want to be besties again, please?” and Claire is having none of it. “I’m going to stop you right there, because I seem to remember you yelling all kinds of mean things at me during a trial at which you accused me of being a witch. Something about dancing on ashes and stealing your future husband (Which I hope never comes to pass, because there’ll be hell to pay, and no mistake) and cursing you and whatnot? And now you want forgiveness? Let me tell you something honeycakes. You are never going to get Jamie MacHunkington Fraser, not in a million years. He will never hold you in those strong arms of his and mix up your insides like a jackhammer. That knee porn is all mine, kitten, so back the ever-loving fuck off!”

Then later on in the bedroom, Claire does say that she’s feeling better, that a load has been lifted. Jamie wouldn’t have been very forgiving of the wee besom. Now, it’s off to dinner.

10. Dinner at the Lovat’s is full of political talk. Jamie starts by telling the crowd that the British are scumbags and they pretty much need to rise up because the shit is on after Poncey outted the whole Rising thing again. During the feast, Claire notices young Simon looking at Legwhore in a family way. He eventually stands up and says, “The crown has offered 30,000 crowns for the head of prince “Mark Me” Charles, so there’s that, yeah?” and his dad shuts him down by saying, “Dude, sit the fuck down and drink your milk. That’s not enough of an incentive to back the guy, especially when there are so many that would sell their own grandmothers for half the reward any day of the week.”

So the kid is crestfallen, and he’s kind of a dweeb anyway. Well, with that, Lovat’s had enough of politics anyway. He’s basically declaring neutrality in the coming conflict. There’s nothing that would make him join a lost cause. And then we see Colum getting his smug face on. Because apparently he thinks he’s won the battle of favor against Jamie.

11. Back in the room, Claire and Jamie talk about Colum, and it’s more politics, which this season has been all about. Which is another reason I’ve only read this a couple of times. Their conversation breaks down like this: “Lovat didn’t say no to the possibility of joining the Rising. There’s been a few in the past and Colum doesn’t want to join this one. So he’s hoping to convince Lovat that neutrality is the best option. But Lovat doesn’t trust Colum, so there’s hope yet. I get the sense he wants something from me. I’ll have to talk to him myself. Oh, and young Simon seemed to want to join me, but he’s spineless and won’t stand up to his father.”

“What do you think he wants?” Claire asks. “I dinna ken, we’ll see. I hope it’s not a big house with stables and all kinds of tenants and livestock tho.” he answers.

12. In a corridor, later that night, Lovat throws his personal seer Maisrie out into the hall and is apparently pissed because she isn’t telling him something. The woman introduces herself and then runs away, refusing Claire’s help.

In the Lovat study, later on, Jamie and Lord Lovat talk about the Rising. It doesn’t start out too well for Jamie, because Lovat is still pissed off about his son marrying that “Mackenzie whore” Well, obviously, Jamie will have none of it and tells his Grandsire to basically “Keep his mouth shut when talking about his mother.” and when Jamie Fraser has his dander up, you had best be sure to follow his wishes.

Talk then goes to Lovat being upset that Brian Fraser wanted to stay at Lallybroch, against his father’s wishes. And also questions Jamie about loyalty to Colum. Lovat wants Jamie to swear fealty to him and also Lallybroch. But “What I do with that damnable place has nothing to do with you.” he says, when Jamie asks him what he needs with the extra tenants and land. Then Jamie goes on to tell him, Hey, it might not even belong to you at all. How many times did Brian’s mother, a housemaid, get around with other guys? Yeah, asshole. Two can play at that “Your mother’s a hoor” game.”

Then Lovat raises the stakes, after Jamie swears his fealty as long as he’s on Lovat soil. “No lad, ye didna hear me. Either Lallybroch, or your wife’s honor.” Jamie has the best line here, “Try to ravish my wife, and I’ll send in the chambermaid to wipe up your remains.” Best line EVAH! Then he goes on to say “She’s a witch, La Dame Blanche, and she’ll twist your cock and insides to a point where you can’t do anything but what she says. Oh, and you’ll die and go straight to hell, and all kinds of horrible things you superstitious people believe. Oh and she can tell the future, so there’s that yeah?” and then he picks up the bottle of liquor Lovat was drinking and hurls it into the fire for dramatic effect, as if the whole, “My wife is a demon spawned succubus” act didn’t work.

13. Back in their room, Jamie and Claire hatch a scheme to use Young Simon to convince his father to join the rebellion. But after the whole, “Sit down you namby pamby wee smirt” incident at dinner the night before, there’s hardly a way to do that. But then Claire says, “Well, he did seem enamored of a certain scheming hoor who’s name is synonymous with “Wicked witch of the West”.

So this is the purpose of Legwhore in this episode. To be a pawn in the “Let’s stop the Rising” game being played with mixed results by the Fraser Duo. So Claire goes out to the courtyard where Legwhore is putting up clothes, and smelling Jamie’s shirt. (Don’t hate, you’d do it too)

Claire says, “Listen, there’s something you can do to get into our good graces. Try to seduce young Simon and tell him what you think about guys who are forceful with their fathers and stand up for themselves.” and Leoghaire is all, “I’m not giving up my maidenhead, what do you take me for, a hoor?” and Claire’s all, “Well, there was that one time… by a river, I believe? But that’s beside the point. Just do this and Jamie will like you again and I’ll tolerate you, much like an ill tempered dog tolerates a kitty it wants to eat but can’t seem to stomach it’s fur.”

14. Meanwhile Jamie is in a private discussion with Colum, who insists they can’t win the war against England, it’s been tried before, and without any help from France or anywhere else, there’s no way it can be won now. Don’t give up Lallybroch for some fool idealistic crusade. Jamie says, “Okay, I’ll do as you wish. I know all this sounds crazy, I can scarce believe it myself, but I have an ace in the hole so we’re going to make a go at changing the future.”

He leaves, leaving Colum smiling and sitting on a bench in the dining hall by himself, satisfied he’s talked some sense into the boy.

15. Claire and young Simon are walking down the lane holding hands and chatting about his father when lo and behold, there’s Leery Mack. She’s all, “Hey…” and he’s all, “What’s up?” and Claire’s all, “Imma bounce over to this chapel, you two chat a bit.” and she leaves, hoping that Legwhore will be up to the task of changing this boy overnight from a mealy mouthed wee smirt to an actual backbone possessing human male with high testosterone and vigor that will stand up to poppa Lovat.

Then he starts reciting poetry… dude, really? Okay, I’m going to give up a guy code here, because it’s in the book. We discussed this at all the meetings! Rule 16 in the subsection How To Make Introduction To Women and Keep Her Interested says this: “Thou shalt not use poetry in order to stir her feelings. This will not work. It has been tried by book nerds the world over and throughout history and it has failed every time. Thomas Wolf will not get her to like you. You will only bore her and make her look toward another guy who is probably doing squats in the gym and drinking wiskey straight from the bottle and wearing a beard. Shakespeare is right out! Do not quote sonnets, or monologues from plays, or any of that rubbish! Doing any of the above will put you locked squarely in the Friend Zone, an abyss from which you shall never escape.”

So He starts with a poem about “Rocking her like a hurricane” and she says, “Come sit by me, let’s chat about manly men and how you can become one.” and he finally shuts up enough to sit next to her and share an awkward silence.

16. Maisrie and Claire are in the chapel together, because that’s where seers and witches go to stop hearing the demonic voices going through their head. Maisrie tells Claire about the vision she had with Lovat. She wouldn’t tell the man what she saw, because she would have been beaten, or worse.

Claire asks if she really is a seer, and Maisrie says, “Och, aye, I once saw a vision of a kid drowning, so I told the father. He broke the boat, there was a big stramash and a right to do, but then a few weeks later a storm came, three men drowned but that kid was still alive, so I guess I am a seer, yeah?” or something like that. Sometimes when these characters talk their words are garbled and I can’t understand them even after a few viewings. Sir MumblesALot comes to mind. Anyway, Claire hears Legwhore from out of the chapel and rushed to see what’s the matter.

17. You gotta give it to a girl, she tried, but it didn’t go over well. Apparently Young Simon didn’t follow Rule 16 of the guy code and still tried to recite poetry to the lass. She tried to get a word in edgewise about how to be a Tormund Giantsbane and be a really manly man, and he ran off after she gave him a keek down her dress.

Later, Jamie and Claire discuss the seeming failure of Legwhore to convince the boy to stand up to his father, and Jamie says, “Well, you could always tell him you’re a time traveler, yeah?” and Claire looks at him like, “WTF, I kept it a secret, and now I have to tell everyone?”

18. Later, at the Hall of Lovat, the clan is all there, ready for the Old Fox to make his decision. He has two papers drawn up for legal reason. One, a deed of sassine to Lallybroch, which if Jamie signs, will mean Lallybroch is his and he goes off to war. The other is a neutrality pact with the MacKenzie clan, saying he will stay out of the coming conflict. One way or the other, he comes out of this smelling like a rose, and much richer as a result. He’ll be able to keep everything if the Jacobites lose. And he’ll be able to keep everything if the Jacobites win. Yep, a sly old fox.

But before anyone can do anything, Claire GlassFace Fraser starts doing an “I see a vision” act. Colum isn’t buying it, but Lovat is all, “What do you see?” and Claire answers, “I see you in a patch of flowers with a man behind you with an axe across your face!” and Lovat is all scared of her because of the whole, “Jamie’s wife is a witch” thing. He asks her, “What else do you see?” and she’s all, “The roses all over the ground!” which is a symbol of the Jacobites.

Well, Lovat ain’t having no visions on his land so he starts to pull a dirk and stab Claire when all of a sudden, young Simon remembers Rule 16 and jumps up to save his father from murdering Claire. And Legwhore looks at him like, “Finally the kid gets what I was trying to say. There may be hope for the wee smirt yet.” Young Simon says, “IF you’re too scared to join the rising, then I will for Clan Lovat.”

“Well, lad, if you want to go off to war, I won’t stop you. Have at it.” and then he goes over and signs the neutrality pact with Colum. Then he shares a toast with Colum and that’s all settled and done.

19. In a rainy courtyard, because it always rains in Scotland apparently, everyone is all set to move out to the rendezvous point with Murtagh and the rest of the men There’s Colum looking all victorious, but sad because Jamie’s marching off to war. The two men share a few heartwarming moments and Jamie helps the old man up into his carriage.

Claire asks Jamie to do one last thing, go say thank you to Legwhore. “Why on earth should I do that?” he asks. And she’s all, “Just do it, I’ll tell you later.” So Jamie goes over to say thanks to Leoghaire.

20. Claire and Jamie are riding out with Young Simon and are stopped by a large group of guys. That’s when I think, “Oh, dammit, we’re going to have the old man betray them after all. Here’s the Outlander version of the Red Wedding.” It turns out they’re Lovat’s men. The Old Fox comes down and says to his son, “You can’t so much ride off to war without some soldiers then, yeah?”

Jamie says, “Wait, what about the neutrality pact, and all that?” Well, Lovat possesses some cunning after all. Basically, it comes down like this. He’s signed the neutrality pact to stay here, but he can’t stop his son from marching off to war with his men, so he’s safe all the way around. If the Jacobites win, or if the English win, he’s off the executioner’s block.

“I know you got your devious mind from somewhere,” Claire says. And Jamie’s all, “Well, you possess one as well, Sassenach. So I guess we’re even on that front, yeah?” And the two of them, along with Lovat’s army go marching off into the twisting and turning road to war.

Now here it is, your Jamie Fraser Mooney eye Pic of the week.