Episode 2 Castle Leoch

WARNING: This blog uses adult language. You have been warned.

1. Castle life is dirty, right? Can anyone take a bath? And is there a status symbol when it comes to beards? Its like Oprah Winfrey was sitting out there one day and said, “You get a beard, He gets a beard, EVERYBODY GETS A BEARD!” razors, fellas, use them.

2. Mrs. Fitzgibbons appears, yells at the guys because they’re dirty. Hey, we just got done hacking up a bunch of Brits, hiding in dirty cottages, and rescuing damsels in distress, Mrs. Fitz, give us a break, aye? Gees. Then she sees Claire and has a fit, Dougal says, “We had some good luck and bad luck” and looks at Claire like, yeah, you’re the bad luck and no mistake. Mrs. Fitz nods, and wants to go on with the Dress the Damsel Montage but gets interrupted when Claire says, “By the way, this dude with the moony eyes over here need bandaging. Yes, I’m a fucking nurse, why doesn’t anyone believe me. Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ you people are idiots, aren’t you?”

3. So Fitz agrees and takes the duo up to the best room in the house, leaves and lets the two star crossed lovers talk a bit. He shows his back scars and tells her how he got them and it’s on to Exposition round 1.

4. See, apparently, Jamie is a land holder and when the English came round looking for tithes, Jack Randall (Boo Hiss) was in charge. He saw Jamie’s sister Jenny and decided to take what he wanted from her. (not knowing Jenny’s a hellcat who would just as soon cut off his man parts if he so much as laid a hand on her in private.) Jamie came running, beat up a couple of redcoats, then Jack Randall’s all like, “Hey, see this gun pointed at your sister? Yeah, I’ll use it if you don’t calm the hell down. Now watch me as I rip the front of her dress off and lick her face Jabba Style. One thing leads to another and Jamie does his Alpha male save the damsel act and gets in hot water with Randall. Who then beats him, then takes the girl in the house to be raped anyway because that’s what bad guys do.

5. (Break in the action for a little shout out.) Tobias Menzes acting chops in this character are fucking brilliant. I’m sure he loves being a bad guy and there were several parts in this scene where I can tell he went off the rails and improvised. He’s so good, I can’t wait to see more of him in the future. He seems to really have a knack for this character. Don’t get me wrong, I like his Frank, but I really love what he’s doing with Jack. And drinking from that wineskin after doing it, I was thinking, “yep, takes a lot out of you beating a defenseless guy like that doesn’t it.”

6. Back to the action. We fade back into the fireplace scene, because that’s a great place to leave our two lovers with her bandaging up Mr. hunky arms and she gets all sad when he mentions Frank at which point the gets down on his knees to give her a reassuring hug. Well something else wants a hug too, and she gets up quickly, after he gives her another of the patented Jamie Fraser Mooney Eye Stares. Then he’s all “hey, don’t worry about a thing, baby, I got you here. But don’t go anywhere without me because people don’t trust you so watch yer back, okay cutie?” or something like that, because all I was doing was looking at his hunkiness and that square jaw thing and getting really mad at myself for not seeing a personal trainer about ten years ago.

7. He leaves, she goes to bed, and then wakes up to Mrs. Fitz going crazy because she slept the day away. Hey, lady, about a day or two ago I was cast through stones into the past, beaten, almost raped, knocked out, shot at, and a host of other foul things so give me a break alright? Thanks for the broth, but Hey, wait a minute, I only got one spoonful. What are you trying to starve me into telling the truth?

8. Dress the Heroine Montage away! Jesus, if this is what women had to do to get dressed back when, you can keep your Going through the Stones Time Travel Device, alright? Oh, and ladies, if this ever happens to you, just say your bra is from France, it works like a charm.

9. So she is taken to Himself, lord Mackenzie bendy knees. She’s all like, “Yeah, I could totes fix that but I’m not really feeling nice right now so let’s hear what this guy has to say, alright?” She is interrogated, comes up with some lame ass story about highwaymen, which he’s totally not buying and then says, “yeah, I’ll let you leave five days from now. Till then, keep straight and don’t do anything stupid, okay?” Which she says, “Yeah, sure, I’ll do exactly what you tell me not to do.”

10. So she finds out she’s in 1743, figures she’ll make the best of her time and then goes out to the courtyard where a little kid is playing with Dougal and we get a softer side of him. Yeah, I’m thinking he’s nice, but later on in the episode he’s kind of a dick again so I don’t like him. I’m running hot and cold on the guy and I know what’s going to happen to him and all but he’s not really a bad guy. Kind of like a neutral character, like a 5 on the villain scale at this point. He’s more like the asshole uncle who gets drunk a lot and yells at you for getting dirt on the rug. Even when you know it was his stupid fucking dog that tracked that mud in, and then you try to explain it but your dad tells you not to argue with the man and you go outside and cry and wish him dead. Yeah that kind of uncle. Not that something like that ever happened to me….

11. Dinner time, and more interrogations from Bendy Legs Mackenzie. By the way, Claire, if you don’t know the relationships of anyone yet, don’t say a word. Jees, I’m not in the 1700s and I know that. Yeah, awkward! Also, I love the dress, and I love Cait in it… Wowza, all heaving chest and everything. So let’s make a hasty exit while everyone looks all knowingly like, “Bitch we all knew it was Dougal’s kid, but we didn’t say anything. Jees, where did you come from, the future?”

12. So the next day it’s off to tend to Jamie Moony Eye Mc SquareJaw. And it’s on to Exposition Round 2. He’s an outlaw, a bad boy REOWR!!! He ate grass, (not the kind that gets you messed up, but the kind that gives you gas if you don’t cook it first.) And he’s got a price on his head. Jeesum Crow, can this guy get any more Hunky? He’s just too good for words. He makes every normal guy into a nerdy guy on the back of a 70’s comic book getting sand kicked at them by the hunky girl magnet. I hate this guy already! Have a flaw for god’s sake! And he’s wearing a kilt, which Claire tries to look under at one point.

 

13. Then she notices Rupert following her and confronts him and is all like, “Hey dude, I’m boring, what the heck am I going to do?” and he says, “Column or Dougal want me to follow you and it’s kind of light duty and you’re also kinda hot so I don’t mind. Besides, Angus or whatever his name is, the shagger of wee beasties I call him, is going to be watching you too and he likes him the ladies and the animals when the ladies make them self scarce. So get used to it because I’m not going anywhere.”

14. Its off to the gardens to do gardening stuff and she meets Geillis Duncan. She’s an herbalist who makes guys fart a lot and other things, and a temptress and people call her a witch and all that stuff but she makes friends with Claire because she’s the only other female in this whole thing. Besides, Claire needs a friend, and the two make instant connection.

15. So both witches go to the dining hall and Bendy Legs Mackenzie is doling out justice to the masses. It’s all in Gaelic and you don’t need to know what’s happening because it’s all court stuff and kind of boring until a guy comes in with Blondie daughter and accuses her of being a whore, which she totally is by the way. But Mr. Mc Square Jaw Hunk comes in to take her punishment because he’s just that fucking perfect. And Rupert has to beat the shit out of him because that’s how justice was done when your daughter is accused of being a loose woman. And everybody’s cool with that which means, Ladies, stay out of the stones, you don’t want to go back to that time, I’ll tell you that.

16. So she has to tend Jamie again! Fuck what is it with this guy? Is he a glutton for punishment, or is he just injuring himself even more just to get Claire to look at him so he can do the Mooney Eye Stare Move and make her more moist than the great lakes? We know what you’re doing, James Alexander Malcolm Mackenzie Fraser, and its not fair.

17. Then he has to confront the girl Leoghaire. Everyone calls her Leghair and for good reason. I don’t want to spoil it but she’s totes crushing on Jamie because, hey, what young blond chick around 16 wouldn’t want a piece of that? Hell, I’m a mid 40’s straight guy and I can see what he does to the ladies. If I were a woman, I would be madly in love with the dude. He doesn’t look all too pleased though, because he’s just not that into you girl, I mean, he’ll kiss you and all, but marriage? Naaahh…. Not the girl you take home to sister.

18. So the five days goes by, Jamie doesn’t need to be bandaged anymore, life is good and she’s all set to leave when all of a sudden, the rug gets pulled out from under her and Dougal and Bendy Legs Mackenzie who come and tell her she’s staying put because she needs to nurse people at the castle and they don’t want her to leave because there’s that whole “We don’t trust you you’re an English spy thing” going on. So she sits down and cries like a whiny little baby and that’s the end. But don’t worry, Claire, there’s always more time with Jamie Mc SquareJaw so that can’t be too bad, right?

Okay, Initial impressions of the show lead me to one conclusion at this point. I’m liking where they are going with the plot and how it all follows the books. I will say though, Laoghaire is a cutie. She’s like that crazy hot chick you want to have sex with but you know if you do and break up with her after that she’s going to stab you a lot, scratch the hell out of your Nissan that mom and dad bought for you, then burn all your clothes. Not that that ever happened to me….

Also, I say a lot of negative stuff about Jamie Fraser, and I probably won’t stop, but I have to say, if this guy were real, I would totally be his best friend. He is just too cool and Mr. Heughan is killing it. All he has to do is give us that Stare and Smirk look and the girls are swooning. Keep it up Mr. Mc SquareJaw, keep it up. Wouldn’t be surprised if an Emmy nod comes knocking next year.

Next up, Episode 3, The Way Out. I’ll leave you with this week’s Jamie Fraser Moony Eye of the week pic.