Episode 7 The Wedding

Hello and welcome to the Wedding episode! The moment we’ve all been waiting for has arrived, and boy did it.

I can assume every female audience member was looking like this at the end of the show. Wow! That’s all I have to say about that. Just WOWZA! That’s why I had to put that rating thing up there for this recap only. I mean, I may have to put it up at some time in the future, but not every episode, I promise. Don’t think you’re going to see full nudity on this blog every time, just a few times in the season. I am a guy after all, okay? And also, I don’t think you ladies who follow me are going to mind seeing Jamie MacHunkington’s hind parts are you? Yeah I didn’t think so.

Just a few things to clear up, and I hope you’ll indulge me. I want to say a few words about Pacing, and TV adaptations to book. When an author writes a book, and it’s put into TV or movie form, there are going to be a lot of inconsistencies with what we remember from reading to what we are seeing in the visual format. When things are changed in the tv show, they are done for the obvious reasons of timing and place. There will be a point where the tv show doesn’t

Fine. I’ll leave that for a Friday, shall I? Okay, here goes.

1. Right off the bat I have a problem. Frank and Claire are going down a London street to meet the parents. He stops in front of a justice of the peace, or magistrate or whatever the hell its called in England. The quickie marriage place, that’s it. I thought the two got married in the same church as her and Jamie in the books. I feel it would have been a better showing of guilt and remorse if she had a flashback of her and frank going into the chapel juxtaposed with her and Jamie. That’s all I’m sayin. Hey, writers, why the change? I can see where it would be contrived to have that happen, but whatever. Just a nitpick here, don’t mind me. And before anybody says “hey, I thought you weren’t a faithful to the book in every way person!” I’m not. These are first impressions here, and I’ll let the rest of the episode guide me.

2. Let ‘em out, girl! The camera angle here is showing Claire’s ladies just heaving, and I’m thinking, among other things, “can’t you breathe?” Oh, and there’s a Bob Hope reference, which is funny because he’s all like, “Was he a funny man?” Oh poor kid, you have no idea. This guy could make the pope laugh his ass off. I can’t wait for later when (Spoiler alert) John Wayne gets a nod.

3. Then they share a drink, or rather, he has A drink. She downs one after the other, and then he starts looking pissed like, “Oh my god, I married an alcoholic!” and puts a hand on her arm to reassure her. “I’m not going to jump on you yet. I’m sure there’s some getting to know each other, right? I just want to keep you safe. I mean, if you had married Dougal he would have been grinding your corn straight away, and no mistake.” She says “So you married me to keep me safe?”, and he’s all like, “is there any other way to put it?”, and the look on her face is just “Awww…what a guy! Am I lucky or what?” then he goes on with “you got me, and everything about me, and my body as well. I mean, the Protection of my body as well. Yeah, that’s what I meant. Can I have sex with you now?”

4.So they sit on the bed and he moves in for a kiss and tender music is playing and I’m starting up the Barry White soundtrack in my head and then BAM “Tell me about your family.” DAMMIT WOMAN! You have perhaps the finest looking man in the world all set to love you in true Highland fashion and you want to talk family? Jesus, Mary and Bride! So we sit back for the Story Telling Montage.

5. They talk for hours and then Rupert and Angus, ever the cockblockers, barge in for a look, presumably at Dougal’s orders because He is being an absolute fucking jerk the entire episode. Awww, wee Dougal, are you jealous? Jamie gets to grind corn and not you, huh? Get the fuck over it, man. She ain’t your style anyway. You’re more of a bull elephant than a fox like Jamie MoonyEye Fraser.

6. With Angus and Rupert out of the way, they get down to it. There’s this lovely lead up, with him unlacing the corset, and her dropping the kilt and I can hear once again a million women all over the country going “SQUEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!” And then he turns her around to go at it and she takes the lead, falls back on the bed and again, writers: where is “Holy God” and “Don’t stop now.”? Another nitpick I know, I’ll have to let it go because I’m not in the writer’s room (yet). Then it’s several strokes, she tries to slow him down because he’s crushing her and then just like that quick as a whip he’s done.

7. Okay, for all you ladies that were like, “oh my god, what was that. Was that it? He just lays on her and wham bam thank you ma’am it’s over?” Yeah, no. Just wait, it gets better trust me. But let’s talk about this part shall we? Yes, it’s unsatisfying, clearly, for Claire. She has the look of, “well that could have been a lot better” to which I say, “yeah, but he’s a virgin, inexperienced, and feeling lucky he has a girl in the first place.” Ladies, you have to understand one thing about guys who are about to lose their virginity. First, the mere fact that we are about to insert tab A into slot B makes our brain about to short circuit: all that’s going on in our brain is

OHMYGODI’MABUOUTTOHAVESEX! OHMYGODI’MABUOUTTOHAVESEX!

                                      OHMYGODI’MABUOUTTOHAVESEX! OHMYGODI’MABUOUTTOHAVESEX!

Second, we can’t even imagine Why On Earth you would even LET us do that to you. We don’t know what we’re doing. Hours of porn and National Geographic magazines never prepare us for the actual event. And the event itself is fraught with chaos. It’s a sweaty, maddening affair, and something we know absolutely nothing about at that point. God, the creator, (insert religious entity of your choice), in his infinite wisdom has chosen a very strange way for the male of the species to use his Sperm Delivery System to enter the female Egg Storage Unit. Young men don’t know where or how to do it yet. And when we finally get the chance, it is a quick affair, so just bear with it, because, as you will see in the rest of the episode, Jamie kinda gets the hang of it.

8. So they’re laying there, and she asks if it was everything he thought it would be and he says, “Well, judging from the animals in the stables, I thought we were going to do it horsey style.” and she laughs and it’s a nice tender moment and she understands at this point he’s an inexperienced lover so she decides to just go ahead and teach him. She gets up, starts thinking about Frank again, then realizes she did enjoy it. Maybe a little too much. And at that point, deciding she’s hungry, goes for the door to get something to eat from downstairs. Jamie tries to stop her, but not before she opens to door and gets a bunch of ribald teasing from the guys downstairs. And yes, ladies, guys do this. We’re shameless. Absolutely have no standards whatsoever when it comes to our friends getting laid. So he’s getting something to eat and Dougal is still being an asshole. What gives, man? Why do you have to be such a dour ass? Jealous much? He gives Jamie some advice, “don’t go up and be too eager to see her.” uhhh, yeah, I have a right beauty upstairs and you want me to stay down here and chat? Yeah, bugger off old man, I’m going upstairs to give my new wife a right and proper seeing to.

9. So it’s upstairs once more and Oh My God. This is where the real heart of the episode it. When he starts going on about her hair, and touching her neck lightly, it’s like, Oh myyyy… Then, she looks down and sees his kilt and asks about the plaid. We go into another set of flashbacks where we see Murtaugh and Jamie talking about Jamie’s mother. “Would she approve of Claire?“ he asks. “Sure, she had that same smile,“ says Murtaugh. So godfather approves at least, even if Uncle Dougie doesn’t.

10. Back in the room she’s liking this kid more and more. They talk about the preparations for the wedding and what he had to do and had the guys do for him in order for it to be special. First, they had to get a priest. Well, they find one and he’s a drunken lazy sot. He refuses to do the marriage and gets into an Epic Religion Rap Battle with Willie.
Yo! They need exultation and doctrine! 1 Timothy 1:16, bro!
No! Romans say‘s sit‘s okay, yeah! Chapter and verse 6:14, Catholic style!
You ain’t got it right, brotha! It’s Timothy!
Father Bain taught me right, yo, it’s fuckin’ Hebrews, bro!
At which point, Dougal stops it all with a punch and bribes the priest with new windows. And that’s done.
Then it’s off to the Blacksmith, with Rupert and Angus, everyone’s favorite comedy duo. They need a ring made from a key, and the blacksmith will do it. Then Rupert pulls out a key and says, “make it from this. But don’t melt it down, just cut it apart.” The blacksmith expects coin if he’s to do it fast, and Angus looks at Rupert, “pay the man.” Rupert is all like, “Wait, I thought you were going halfsies. Dammit, why do I have to pay all the time. This is the last time I’m paying the check” and Angus, like all best friends that never have any money is all like, “hey, man I’ll get you back when I get paid.” yeah, like that’ll ever happen. Step three, the dress. Ned Gowan has to go to a brothel because apparently a town with a big tavern and a blacksmith and a few brothels doesn’t have a dressmaker. Poor DMing town creation there, buddy. However, it makes for a funnier scene where Ned has to negotiate with the ladies. And they are all over him like white on rice. I mean, come on, right, rich lawyer, lots of coin, why wouldn’t they? So, it happens that a lord lost a lot of money gambling and had to hock a nice dress. (how convenient) She asks a shilling for it, and when Ned opens up the coin pouch the girls like him even more. Obviously… “Must you run off straight away? It‘s going to take us a few minutes to get the dress all packed up.” Well, if you insist….wouldn’t want to just do my business and run. I could stick around a few minutes.” And like a giddy schoolboy with his first girlfriend, he rushes upstairs with a couple of girls.

11. Then Jamie’s all like, “So that’s my day, what have you been doing?” to which she replies, “getting drunk mostly. Yeah, drinking. Like all day. Really, I do have a problem. And I talk to flies trapped in whiskey (which wasn’t in the show much to my dismay. More comedic mining gone to waste) My name is Claire Beauchamp and I’m an alcoholic. I wake up with hangovers every morning because I can’t stand being without phones and hot water and cars and SOMEMONE GET ME OUT OF HERE PLEASE I WANT TO GO HOME!” Murtaugh and the rest of the folks that come to get her are all like, “Jesus, she’s a sot!” Claire’s in the middle of Hangover City, just past the intersection of I’m Fucking Drunk Street and Plastered Avenue. So they clean her up and boy is she ever cleaned up beautifully.

12. The wedding happens in slow motion, he walks out, dressed in all his finery (another Oh Myyyy from the girlfriend when she sees Jamie. I swear, I’m getting jealous at this point.) then they show Claire, unwrapping her cloak and the sun shining all over her like she’s an angel, (which she is, by the way) And all the guys are looking lat her like, “Och yeah….” especially Dougal. (which I’ll talk about in a few minutes because he’s totally a douche in this episode I think we can all agree.)
And then Jamie walks up and gives her this formal bow and all the ladies in the audience go “SQUEEEEEE!” again…. Sigh. Everybody likes Jamie Fraser. What a bout us regular guys, dammit! God you people make me sick sometimes. Lol. And then she asks what his name is, “Oh, Just Jamie Allperfect MoonyEye MacHunkington Fraser. Your servant ma’am.” God you make me sick, with your perfect hair, and dreamy eyes, square jaw, and Adonis physique. Making me dislike you more and more here, Sammy boy. Dougal’s in the background “Get on wi’ it!” She says her name and reaches to shake his hand, like, “hey we haven’t been formally introduced.“ Awkward… Then she takes off Frank’s ring (we’ll see it in a few more minutes after the crazy hot badonkadonk. Don’t worry I’m getting to it!) and puts it in her bosom and Good Lord could her boobs get any bigger in that dress?! (BTW: Shoutout to the costume designers here. that dress was awesome!)

13. So then it’s the wedding in which the vows are shared and the priest looks bored and it’s all a formality and then Dougal slits their wrists and binds them together in a Scottish blood vow. And there’s a million married women who think, “thank god they don’t do that in weddings anymore” So that finished, they sit and finally we can cue the Barry White music.

She stands up and says, “I want to see your body, take off your shirt” and every female audience member is like, “Yeah, what she said! SQUEEEEE!!! We’re about to see Sam’s ass, we’re about to see Sam’s ass! So in honor of that ladies, here it is. In all it’s perfect glory:

Oh my god, there’s your boss! MINIMIZE! MINIMIZE! MINIMIZE!

Okay, he’s gone.

And then she takes her shift off and lets it drop so here’s one for the guys. Gentlemen, I present to you the perfection that is Caitriona Balfe:

Oh my god, there’s the wife! MINIMIZE! MINIMIZE! MINIMIZE!

Ok, she left the room.

14. And then it really happens. And it’s everything book readers have been wanting for the last twenty years and it lives up to the spirit of the scene in the novel. He is grinding her corn with masterful skill now, and finally, she shudders and cries out and it’s the orgasm heard round the world. But then he thinks he hurt her, she’s all dreamy in her lady parts and shows him a thing or two about hurting during sex and how pleasurable it can be and OH MY GOD IS SHE DOING THAT TO HIM?! Okay, well. Uhhh…. Yeah, so that happened and he’s all like “My heart was going to burst.” and yes, ladies, that’s how it feels. Every time. I mean, there hasn’t been a time when that happened that I didn’t feel like the world was spinning off it’s axis and my heart was beating out of my chest. It’s just a different type of O. But you don’t want to hear about me, let’s let Jamie’s O face tell the tale:

Moments later

And then, he falls asleep. Really Jamie, that quick? Yes, ladies, that happens. I can speak from experience. No offense. Really, it’s just we’ve had a right good and proper seeing to, and we’ve done the same to you , and we are exhausted. I mean, beat. So yes, please forgive us for passing out. It doesn’t happen every time, it’s just something that you’ll have to deal with. You still love us in the morning aye?

Awww kitty!

15. She gets up, gets dressed in his plaid and goes downstairs where Dougal is there, chilling by himself, getting drunk and being his typical drunk Dougal self. He says, “ So I got that whole Jack Randall situation taken care of. He wasna happy about it, but oh well. I‘m sure there‘s some other business he can get into that‘s more important than you anyway so there‘s that. So yeah, on another topic, thanks for marrying my nephew and all but well, if you’re up for sampling other pleasures, I’m available aye?” and I’m thinking, “What? Is Dougal trying to mack on that shit? Dude! That is totes uncool!” Rupert comes in singing, see’s the two of them and is all “yo, what’s up, did I break up something?” and says to Dougie Boy “I don’t know about you but that one looks well ridden.” Dougal gets pissed and punches him in the jaw. Stalks off with Rupert looking like, “What the hell man?”

16. Then she goes back up to the room, drinks a bit more because, you know, alcoholic, remember? Claire, hon, gotta do something about that eventually you know that right? He wakes up and comes to her with something. She looks up and he gives her a pearl necklace. And I laughed and thought, “aww, he gave her a pearl necklace.” and those of you in the know will probably think the same thing, dirty minded as we are.
Oh, you don’t know what a “Pearl Necklace” is? Okay, go Google it right now. I’ll wait.

(Final Jeopardy song plays)

Oh, you’re back. Learn something new every day, huh? Yeah, I said I would be a little dirty here today. It’s okay, next week will go back to being a little cleaner. But it’s a wedding night so we can get a little bawdy, right and oh my god they’re doing it AGAIN?! Yep, they are. This time all nice and romantic with those beads dangling down over her naked body and another Oh Myyyy from the girlfriend. (I was going to count how many times she said that this episode but I lost count after about fifteen, and that was about halfway through the show) The look on her face towards the end shows us that she is now no longer Mrs. Frank Randall, but Mrs. Jamie Fraser. She’s all in, and it shows. Beautiful job there Ms. Balfe. (marry me already! Lol)

17. So darkness sets on the happy couple and they wake up in the morning to a new day, all bright and full of possibility. She gets up, starts to get dressed, cleans up the room and while she’s picking up the dress her ring from Frank falls out, rolls across the room and falls into a crack in the floor which is a clear metaphor for her fractured life and being trapped in the middle of two worlds. She puts the ring on her other finger and looks down at her hands and then Blackout. It’s not really a cliffhanger, but knowing there’s only one show left before the mid season break, I’m getting kind of nervous about where the next one is going to leave off. (no spoilers, I really don’t know, nor do I want to. I make it a point to avoid trailers and clips so as to not muddle my thoughts for the write up.)

FIRST IMPRESSIONS: Hands down, the love making scenes were beautifully filmed, and rival anything in movie and TV history. I would say that they are better than the Scene in Bull Durham, but my Gal disagrees and after a second viewing all I’m saying is they are different. Both have hotness and passion, so I’d have to say they are about equal in the “Oh Myyyy” factor. Sorry, hon, that’s the best you’ll get out of me. Also, I know I’m not the only one that thinks they have found two of the most beautiful actors in the world to play these parts. I loved this episode, and not just for the sex. These two are fabulous together, and if anyone says, “They aren’t Claire and Jamie” I beg to differ. From the first, Caitriona Balfe had me, and Sam had me a long time ago. I never saw him as anything other than Jamie Fraser. Dougal is fast becoming a character that we don’t understand. Is he a bad guy or misunderstood? There’s a lot of conflict there, and it shows. He really doesn’t know what the heck to do about the Claire Situation. She’s a total outlier, and has messed up the world he has going on with Jamie and the Rising, and everything in the Mackenzie lands. I get the sense that he’s confused and out of sorts, and he Hates to be that way because he’s normally a standup guy who knows what he’s doing every minute of every day and has things under control. Then this beautiful Sassenach wench comes out of nowhere and fucks it all up. Poor guy. What to do, what to do?

So that’s it until next week. As always, I’ll update on Friday with any thoughts you folks had about the latest recap and other things. I know we are all trying to gird ourselves for the three month break between 8 and 9, but don’t worry, I’ll be here with an update every Friday on the Frannie and Johnny story I started a few weeks back. My life has been strange lately, owing to a coworker having time off and me having to take up the slack. I want to thank you all for following and giving me such positive comments. It’s been really helpful in getting me over this working every day for seven weeks thing I’ve been doing lately. That being said, here’s your Jamie Moonyeye Fraser pic of the week:

and an extra because i’m feeling nice