Episode 13– The Watch

OMG I’m so far behind! Well, here we go. Episode 13, and only 3 more to go. Episode 15 recap is going to just be a picture of a bunny cavorting in a meadow with a unicorn while a rainbow floats peacefully overhead. You think I’m joking. This one was intense. And I know Diana Gabaldon’s writing. She ain’t gonna hold back and neither is the crew of this show. If episode 12 was any indication of what Tobias is going to do, expect to be in the fetal position hugging a pillow after episode 15. Anyway, here we go.

1. The show starts where we left off, with some idiot sticking a gun in Jamie’s face. But Jamie’s real cool, because after all, King of Men, right? He gives Claire a few looks like, Dinna fash, lass, I got this.” And I can see him doing all the calculations in his head about how he’s going to disarm this guy, with bullet trajectories and firing speed like Robert Downey in Sherlock Holmes before the shit goes down. But just as he is going to go full medieval Highlander on them, Jenny comes into the room and tells Mr. McMumblesalot that Jamie is her cousin. Because this is the watch, and if they found out who he was they would turn him in. So guns are lowered, and Jamie the Berserker doesn’t come out, aww…
SIDE NOTE: I call the guy McMumblesalot because for the life of me I can’t understand anything this guy says. I’ve watched three times and still no idea. It’s like this guy went to the Nirvana School of Speech Therapy, because there’s only one time I can understand him and that’s when he’s making a toast. Maybe somebody could caption these scenes for me. Am I the only one?

2. So introductions are in order. The guy and the men he is with are from the Watch, which is basically like a group of thugs that come around every now and then to extort the locals and give them “Protection” the equivalent to wandering mobsters, actually. Then Claire comes over to be next to Jamie and one of the guys says, “What, you married a Sassenach?” to which Jenny is all like, “Yeah, I wanted to murder Jamie myself when I saw, but she kind of grows on you, like a bad fungus. Oops, did I say that?” Because she’s still on the fence with liking Claire. And it works that way in the books too. Jenny and Claire have this love hate relationship until book 8 when they’re cool with each other again for a minute. We’ll see when book nine comes out what happens there. But I digress.

MacMumblesalot introduces himself as MacQuarrie, the head of the watch. Ian comes in and gives the guy a sword he had repaired for the guy, and throughout this episode essentially gets down to lick the boots of the guys because he loves them apparently. And he’s the only one, because everyone else is scared of them. Except Jamie, who routinely goes off on the guys for various reasons because he’s Jamie, “I give a Shit About The Watch” Fraser. Then MacMumbles says, “let’s eat!” and then we go to the Kitchen for the Yell and Scream At Each Other Scene.

3. In the kitchen, Jamie is all, “Why did you let the watch into your home?” and Jenny gets back in his face, “You weren’t here for four years, and we had to make do. Oh, and what were you doing? Being an outlaw, murdering, pillaging with the Mackenzies, and marrying a Sassenach hoor ? Yeah, that.” Anyway the Watch has been coming by every few months to keep the redcoats away, but that hasn’t happened in a while because they’ve been all searching for a certain Ginger Haired lad by the name of Moony Eye Fraser. However, they extort money and food from the tenants, just to keep people safe, even though they’re all a bunch of criminals themselves. Kind of like, The enemy of my Enemy is my Friend.

4. At dinner, it’s all “lets make nice” with MacMumblesalot. Still can’t understand the guy, he said something about tobacco at one point? I don’t know. Anyway, Jamie’s all quiet because he doesn’t want this guy to know who he is, for obvious reasons. They’re all trying to just get this guy out of the house so they can go back to the way things were before the whole, “I got arrested for crimes someone else did” thing. Then they bring up tales of their time in the wars in France and Spain. Mumbles knows something isn’t right because of Jamie’s accent, and he’s till trying to figure out who Jamie is. Mumbles says to Ian, “I’ve been here a lot, but you’ve never mentioned this guy to me. So what gives, yo?” and Jenny is all, “you guys were drunk most of the time, how do you remember what you remember or not?” Then Mumbles gets up and says the only thing I can understand during this whole show.
“Here’s to a long life, and a merry one. A quick death, and an easy one. A pretty girl and an honest one, A stiff whisky, and another one!” So after the toast, there’s more talk about inconsequential stuff, but it comes out that there’s a raid coming up, and also they’re waiting for another few guys to show up and maybe Jamie would be interested in joining, because well, raiding shit is the coolest! Then dinner is over, and the guys leave to go bed down for the night, leaving everyone else to sit and make unpleasant facial gestures with each other.

5. The next morning, Jamie is walking through the yard with the horse he’s going to be shoeing, and sees MacDouche Boots on the Table smoking a pipe and leaning against the side of a wagon full of hay. Well, Jamie picks this moment to get mouthy with the guy, and I can see his point, but really James Allperfect, you really need to keep your trap shut when guys who don’t like you have things that can lead to fires in hay bales. And somewhere, there’s an Assassin’s Creed player saying to themselves, “Oh, yeah, I could so ‘Leap of Faith’ that shit. Anyway, MacDouche gets pissed because Jamie calls him out for smoking Ian’s tobacco that really is wasted on the likes of MacDouche. So they guy gets pissed and starts the wagon on fire. Which leads to a lot of shouting and buckets of water to put it out.

And there’s Wee Rabbie MacNabb. But I’m wishing for a Wee Roger moment at some point during the last part of the season. Please, people, find an excuse to put Mr. Pinchy Cheeks in here. Okay, I’ll do it then. Here!

6. So Jamie is passed, naturally, and starts yelling at the guys. MacDouche pulls a gun and puts it in Jamie’s face. “Don’t be so uppity, Mac, remember who’s got the pistol here.” Then Jamie goes into full Chuck Norris here, and kicks four guys asses in a matter of seconds.

 

Then MacMumbles comes up and starts getting pissed at his own guys, and offers Jamie a chance to help in the raid that is being planned. Jamie will have none of it, because he wants to remain Laird and let the past go and be all peaceful with nature and be Laird. Because he loves to say Laird. A lot. And it’s at this moment I don’t understand why he doesn’t say Fuck a lot more, because it just so happens that the next part is a moment where he can say it and it be totally appropriate to the situation because–

7. Horrocks.

Yeah. That guy. Just when it can’t get any worse, it gets worse. So Horrocks comes up and sees Jamie and Jamie’s all like, “Dude, don’t give me up because this whole Laird thing could be screwed for me.” and Horrocks is all “Dude, say no more. I got plans for you now, so it’s all good, you’re safe with me til I get you alone and then we’ll talk about how I can become Laird of this place.” And MacMumbles notices this exchange and asks if they know each other. Both of them are like, “nope. Not a chance. Never met at all. Not at all.” and Mumbles doesn’t buy it for a second but whatevs, he’s got a plan in mind and he doesn’t care about the Horrocks/Fraser fight. Which would be just as cool as the Ali /Fraser fight.

Jamie and Claire talk about it later, and decide that only time will tell with Horrocks and they’ll have to figure out what to do when that happens. Jamie knows the guy is going to want money, because Horrocks knows about the bounty. He’s all “I shouldn’t have come back home. I thought I’d be safe.“ Then Claire says, “Whatevs, we’ll do what we have to when the time comes, no matter the cost.” and boy does she mean it, because in the next few episodes, she’s going to really earn her Badass Heroine card.

And then Horrocks (an Irish deserter from the English army) is telling the Watch (a bunch of hoodlums from Scotland) where to set up an ambush. Yeah, that sounds kosher.

8. Then we go to Jenny and Claire out in the yard doing laundry and Claire is wishing for an electric washer at this point because her lady hands are not getting any smoother by doing it the old fashioned way. All of a sudden, Jenny’s water breaks, because that’ what you need in a show without much drama, more drama. (that’s sarcasm, by the way) and they show the puddle. And at this point, I have one thing to say.

EWWWW!!!

Ok. I love the show. I love the way everything has worked up to this point. I love women. I love the fact that they are hosts for children and at nine months they have to shoot that kid out of a hole no bigger than a postage stamp. But for some reason I looked away from this. I don’t know why it was necessary. We’ve seen floggings, dismemberment, hangings, crucifixion, rapes, near rapes, entrails hanging out, legs turned to bloody rags by a rampaging boar, stabbings, shootings, and a host of other maladies befall our heroes. But a puddle on the ground makes me almost throw up in my mouth? Yeah, I don’t get it either. Please don’t hate me. I know it’s part of the child birthing process. Hell I went through it with an ex wife twice I certainly know. But why the need to show it? Oh well. Just a thought. Never mind my delicate guy sensibilities when it comes to the female reproductive process. It’s always confused me.

9. So the child is going to be breach birth. Jenny finds out Claire can’t have kids, tries to give her some sage advice. All it does is build up tension here. Jenny knows it’s going to be a boy, and we all know its going to be a girl because that’s the way things work in TV. So Claire knows how to go about birthin’ babies. No Prissy, she.

10. Horrocks! Wherein we find out what the treacherous bastard wants from our strapping hero. And at this point I’m wondering why they brought Horrocks back. I mean, yeah, he was mildly popular for about a minute in the 9th episode, but that’s all he was supposed to be. He was a minor NPC literary device to drive the action. Why they brought him back just for another show seems odd to me. But that’s one of the things about the show versus TV. The vagaries of schedule makes it so they couldn’t do the story of the MacNabb betrayal.

Anyway, Horrocks wants to get out of Dodge, and I don’t blame him. Because he’s going to betray the King of Men, and if that plan goes south, he’s going to have to be on a ship across the world pretty quick or else Jamie “oh, you betrayed me to the English?” Fraser is going to hunt him down and go full Liam Neeson on his ass. So Jamie agrees. “I’ll give you the bounty money, you don’t turn me in, and we’ll meet in the woods to do the exchange. Once its done, I don’t see you anymore. Because if I do, there’s one way this will work out. You guessed it, the world is going to be short a Horrocks.”

11. Upstairs, Claire is doing her doctoring thing on Jenny, feeling where the baby is, and then Mrs. Crook comes in and says, “Yo, the midwife ain’t a comin‘. So you chicks are on your own, dig?” to which Jenny’s all like, “Huh?” and Claire says, “dinna fash, lass, I speak Jive. So yeah, no midwife. I’m going to have to get this baby out by myself. Oh, and it’s a breach birth so there’s a fun times are on the way, not.” Jenny has to get up and walk around. And Claire, who is barren (which we’ll find out later) asks, “So you’ve had a baby before, what’ it like?”

And Jenny goes into a beautiful monologue about childbirth that is a wonderful rendition of the part in DG’s novel that actually started it all. So I’ won’t cheapen it with a smarmy joke because it really is wonderful writing and I’m not going to dishonor the source material with corny jokes about it. At the end of it Claire is all sad because it sounds wonderful, and she’ll never get to do it and she’s all sad because to her it sounds a lot like paradise, like the nineteen forties with hot and cold running water and hospitals where shit like breech births are easier to care for than the Scottish highlands. But they’ll make do because, well, Claire.

And this shot was beautiful because motherhood is. Period. Anyone who says different is an asshole.

12. Jamie and Ian are putting the wagon back together, you know, the one that Burnt Hay Guy got his name for. Jamie asks Ian, “Why did you let the Watch into your home?” and Ian’s all, “Dude. You. Weren’t. fucking. Here. Remember? Besides, how can I protect Lallybroch from the English with my one leg and all. Did you forget about that before you went on raiding and pillaging the countryside in an effort to bag a Sassenach?”
“And that works for you?” says, Jamie. “Aye, I get to drink whisky with a man who doesn’t look at me with pity, and it’s a dude coming around every now and then, and I really need that guy energy, ye ken? And he reminds me of you.” Aww. Ian and Jamie, the original Bromance.
SIDE NOTE: I didn’t read Virgins, the novella about these two, and maybe during the second Droughtlander I may go back and revisit that book along with others now that I have a kindle app on my tablet. But from what I hear, it’s an awesome story about brotherly love between these two who have been together since childhood.
SIDE SIDE NOTE: I know, I have a kindle app now. I thought I never would, but I guess I have been dragged kicking and screaming into the digital age. Recent events made me get rid of many of my books, and in the intervening time I have to read, right? So I broke down and got a tablet and downloaded kindle against my self professed claim never to have one. Sigh….

Ian brings up the whole Jack Randall thing, and how with the watch around, that will never happen again. MacMumbles takes care of that. Then Jamie mentions Horrocks, and how he’s going to give Jamie up if he doesn’t get paid. Ian tells him of a secret stash of cash that Brian Fraser hid away for the kids. He urges Jamie to take it but it turns out the kid had other plans for that cash.

14. “That money was meant for you, and your bairns. You know, because, bairns! And lots of them. I want you to be a bairn factory, ye ken?” he says later to Claire. And some have wondered, “Who is taking care of Jenny?” umm… Ms. Crook? The other servants? Just an idea. Anyway, it turns out that our darling Sassenach can’t have bairns. And Jamie goes through the stages of grief in like ten seconds of screen time.
Surprise
Disbelief
Wonder
Anger
Acceptance (though begrudging)
And Hope.

He tells her, “Its okay, the way things are going, I don’t think we can have kids because who ever is writing our story is a sadistic (see how I used that word Sassenach) witch that revels in our pain and torture. If we did have kids, they’d probably be kidnapped by pirates, lost on the high seas, get hung by angry ancestors, and lost in caves until we found them by some twisted storytelling device that ended up in more pain.”
“You’re right, sadly. Let’s just try not to have kids and be as boring as possible,” she says. “That’s a good way to keep people following this convoluted tale of murder, love, betrayal, and family drama.” And Jamie says he’s all cool with it because he doesn’t want her to go through any pain and I laugh because, we all know, this whole series is nothing but overcoming pain. So he holds her, and then looks at her. And I am always amazed by the WAY. HE. FUCKING. LOOKS. AT. HER. Oh my god! If there’s anything this guy has down pat, it’s that moony eye smolder.
Then at the end of the scene, he sits down like his entire world has been rocked. Poor kid, I wish I could just reach through and tell him he’s going to have one of the coolest daughters ever. Oh well.

15. Horrocks! This guy. You know what? Fuck this guy. I hate him. I know I said some good things about him in Recap for episode 9 but naww. This guy is a pain in the ass. Not only does he want Jamie’s money, he wants him to pay for a business start up in the colonies. JHRC, what does Jamie look like,, a fucking Amway sponsor? Next he’ll be wanting a life time supply of D-15 and Nutralife. Anyway, Ian ends that whole discussion with a sword to the back, and Horrocks falls dead at Jamie’s feet. Ian’s like, “You’re welcome Bra!” and that ends the whole Horrocks situation very nice and neat.

16. Later, at Lallybroch, MacMumbles asks where Horrocks is, and Jamie and Ian are all, “Oh, nice weather isna it?” whistling like, nothing ever happened. But the guy keeps on, like some wife who knows you’ve done something wrong and wants you to admit it so she keeps needling in that passive aggressive way until you finally lose your shit and tell her what she’s known all along.
“Yes, I killed him,” says Jamie. “He knew I had a price on my head and my real name and all that nonsense. But I’m going to tell you because you’re in my house and you know what I can do, so don’t fuck me on this or you’ll end up the same way and no mistake.” And Mumbles is all, “Well, I’m glad you’re out with it. I never liked the Irish bastard anyway!”

So that’s wrapped up, but MacMumbles insists that Ian and Jamie come with him. So they decide, sure, Raiding the Chisolms is good sport, what could possibly go wrong?

Later, Jenny and Claire, ever the responsible ones and the voice of reason tell them what could go wrong. Claire’s all, “Dude, for real? The guy could betray you after all. He just wants your sword arm, because it’s well, your arm. Which by the way hasn’t been wrapped around my booty recently so what’s up with that?” Anyway, boys will be boys and they go against the wishes of the ladies. And really what could possibly go wrong? It’s just a raid after all, and they got the information from the most trustworthy guy in the world, an English Redcoat Deserter who knows there’s a price on Jamie’s head. Nothing could go wrong with those ingredients at all.

17. Claire and Jamie then go out and have an intimate moment where he tells her he’ll be back and safe. They kiss, and he looks at her with that gaze. Oh my god. THE. WAY. HE. LOOKS. AT. HER.

And then they have a final kiss, and it goes all slow motion like when Claire kissed frank before going through the stones in episode 1 and we see her isolated in the corridor for a few moments and it’s a beautifully shot scene. Because you know what’s going to happen because, you know, slow mo…

18. The guys are galloping toward the bridge in the rain. MacMumbles and Jamie are talking, mostly drivel about fighting for dukes and kings and other rich guys when he decided he would be a mercenary and raid the highlands for his own sport. And then they find the bridge, and the ambush site. And the English.
SIDE NOTE: I love the fact that these guys open up with a full volley of musket fire and don’t kill anyone. What, did they take lessons from the same guys who taught the Stormtroopers on the Death Star? These guys couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn if their life depended on it. Evil Overlords and Bad Guys: Train your minions to shoot better. They keep missing the heroes. http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/ImperialStormtrooperMarksmanshipAcademy

In between the shots of the ambush are shots of Jenny giving birth. And how you women do this is a mystery to me. And why you would endure such pain to bring babies to the earth and do it multiple times is beyond me. Tell a guy to do that and we cringe. Hell, even watching another man get kicked in the never betweens is painful. To actually be asked to shit out something that is bigger than a bowling ball? Yeah, no. you gals can keep it and I have all the respect in the world for you because of it. Oh, and the baby turns out to be a girl. Because that’s the way things go in TV and movie fiction.

19. It’s three days later, and Claire is out watching the road for Jamie, because he promised to come back. And Claire, ever the optimist, not realizing she’s in a fictional tale where the good guy has to endure suffering at the hands of an evil son of a bitch, waits with baited breath for his return. In a touching scene, Jenny gives Claire a couple of bracelets from her mother’s secret admirer. They are made of boar tusk, and impressive. Claire looks at them like, “Aww thanks, but no….“ Then Ian comes back, and tells her that Jamie has been captured. It was a set up. Which we all knew, and she looks surprised.

So yes, I am in a furious writing stage right now trying to catch up. This is what happens when another job and a move lands on your head at the same time. We have two weeks between episode 15 and the finale, so expect all the recaps up to that point to be updated just in time for the finale.

And as always, your Jamie moony eye pic of the week. There’s two of them, since he isn’t in episode 14.