EPISODE 14 THE SEARCH

Well, 14 down and two to go before another long wait til season 2. And the next two are going to be heavy, so thank god for an episode of light hearted moments prior to that, huh? We had Claire singing a ribald Scots version of Bugle Boy of Company B, Gypsies, Murtagh and his eyebrows being equal parts funny, serious, and melancholy, and Claire and Jenny playing out their version of Thelma and Louise on the Redcoats. So, let’s get on with the fun, shall we? By the way, as many of you know, I am a gamer, so there may be a few references to fantasy RPGs in this one. Just bear with me. If it goes over your head, just ask in the comments and I’ll explain as best I can. 1. Let me take this moment to say the intro to this episode was the best yet. I know some of you like the Scottish Burrito (Thanks Khan E. for the phrase) intro from episode 9, but this one was awesome. The puppet show was really cool, especially with the disappearing act that the Claire puppet does. And the faeries flittering about with the butterfly wings? Wicked cool. Loved it. 2. So Ian Murray is sitting there, one legged and trying to make sense of all the commotion in Lallybroch while Jenny, Claire, and the servant ladies make preparations to go save our red headed moony eyed hero from the clutches of the English soldiers. He wants to gather up the tenants and go full torches and pitchforks on them. Claire nixes that idea, saying, “Dude, you want the English to come burn your shit down? Because that’s what will happen if you go tromping about the countryside with a mob of Scots and torturing English soldiers. They’ll come here, take your cattle, kill your horses, burn your crops, and all kinds of other horrible things, because, you know, English…Besides, torturing Redcoats is your sister’s job.” So off they go, in search of James Moony Eye MacHunkington Fraser. 3. Jenny’s the tracker, because she apparently learned all that in between English raids and cranking out child every year. We have a montage of her looking through bushes and trailing horse hooves, while Claire looks on in wonder like, “Dude, I’m glad somebody knows how to do that.” Finally, they find a huge meadow and Jenny looks up to see a murder of crows (yes, that’s what a flock of crows is called. Look it up. Just another part of doing this blog, educating my readers) circling around not far off, which means there’s a group of carcasses in the area. 4. Off they go to discover the source of the crows, and find the dead bodies of Long Haired dude and Burnt Hay Guy (“That’s burnt hay guy!“ was the first thing I said when I saw that). So the English just left them there, no burial, no last rites, just Bang! Shot them down, and left them to rot. Jenny does a quick absolution and prays over their dead bodies, then loots the corpses, because they might have a few gold pieces on them or other treasure because that’s what you do when you find a dead body, you loot it’s corpse just to make sure. (hey, I didn’t make it up, that’s standard adventurer protocol) 5. The two find tracks of a wagon, heavily laden down in the mud, Jenny makes a tracking roll, with extra modifiers for mud and number of individuals to track, and they head off in search of our big headed lunk. Eventually, they have to stop because Jenny has to take a milk my breasts break. And I don’t understand why anyone had an issue with this scene. I mean, hell, Canadian TV cut the entire scene because it might have upset some viewers. But flogging, murder, Geordie’s guts hanging out, spanking, torture, and rampant sex wouldn’t? you guys have an issue with a woman squeezing the milk out of her boobs? Please, do grow up. It’s the 21st century, not Ozzie and Harriet. 6. The intrepid heroines of our tale eventually find a camp site with English soldiers, a wagon, several tents, and Mr. MacMumblesalot hanging out in a ravine. There’s no sign of our hero, but that will soon change when one of the English soldiers mounts a horse and leaves the main camp. Jenny, ever the resourceful one, jumps out in front of the guy and collapses to the ground. So he has to stop, get off his horse and find out what’s the deal with this random broad who just happened to appear out of nowhere and stumble in front of his horse at Just The Right Time. SIDE NOTE: English soldiers, let me have a chat with you real quick. First, I know you guys were sent to Scotland for the purpose of subjugating the residents and excising taxes and tithes and what not, but you are invaders here, so there’s going to be animosity. These folks don’t necessarily like you, I hope you understand. I mean, one guy was beheaded and placed in a sitting position with a head in his lap. His own head, need I remind you? So yeah, there’s that. So there’s a warning, just call it a public service announcement. If you find yourself in a strange forest, in a country with people hostile to you, and a woman comes out and falls in front of you when there’s no civilization around for miles, KEEP RIDING ON! So yeah, you did it anyway. And this is what happens… That’s alright. From now on 7. So Jenny has the guy tied to a huge log back at their camp site. She’s knocking him in the face with the butt of his rifle, asking him questions, and he’s just going full “Whores and bitches and sluts” on her. SIDE NOTE: Sigh… Do I have to explain Side Note 6 again? DON’T. ANTAGONIZE. THE LOCALS! Especially the female ones. Especially the female ones who have just given birth and have to milk their boobs on the regular. Gees! Do you guys not get it? Oh, and you’re tied down, with a woman beating you up and you’re still uppity? Yeah, this guy deserves the punishment he’s about to get. I have to hand it to the guy, he’s as stubborn as Jamie Fraser with the torture. I mean, Jenny goes full Spanish Inquisition on the dude and he still doesn’t give up the info. Even when Claire plays good cop and keep telling him, “Dude, tell us what we want to know and all this will be over. We’ll let you go and you can wander around the English countryside until you get caught by the Knights who say Ni! and possibly find another English patrol (not really, we’re going to have to kill you but that comes later).” So the guy finally says, “I don’t know what’s going on, I’m just a courier. Please don’t roast my chestnuts on an open fire!” and the gals go find his bag with all the notes he was supposed to deliver. They find a missive about Jamie in there, that he escaped and is on the loose. So it’s a good news/Bad news situation. Good news he escaped. Bad news, they have to kill the courier now. See, didn’t think about that before you went and did the whole Thelma and Louise thing on the guy, huh Jenny “Chestnut Roaster” Fraser? So as the girls are debating whether to kill the dude or not, the decision is taken out of their hands by Murtagh and his Traveling Eyebrow show. (Which you can binge watch Monday nights on ION TV right after Criminal Minds) 8. Turns out, Murtagh has been following them since he left Lallybroch. Ian told him where they were going, and has been following their tracks and the screams of their victims since the beginning. It’s late, they have a dead body to dispose of, and food to catch, so they camp out and gather firewood. During that task, Claire and Jenny are talking about the courier, and Jenny says, “It was the only thing to do.” to which Claire is all, “If you hadn’t done it, I would have. I totally love your brother for some reason, and I’d do anything for him.” “Would you climb a hill?” “Anything!” “Wear a daffodil?” “Anything” “Even fight my Bill?” “And anything! I’d do anything for his kiss, anything for his smile everywhere I see–” Sorry, my Broadway tourettes kicked in. Back to the recap… 9. Later that night, at the camp with Jenny that night, Claire is going full Girl Scout on the fire. Jenny asks where she learned all her outdoorsy skills and Claire’s all “Well, my uncle carted me around the world in his archeological studies. We went to places like the Pyramids, and the Holy Land and other places where he would dig shit up while I lit cigarettes for him and watched him open up mummy tombs and run from big boulders in caves, so yeah, that was totes fun, yeah?” Then Murtagh comes back form hunting with a big smelly bird and is all pleased with himself. The girls aren’t pleased at all, which he recognizes so he has to pull the feathers off it and dress it himself because they’re not doing their womanly duty and cooking dinner for the men folk. (and before all you ladies start in on me, I’m joking here. So just calm down. Please.) 10. In the morning, Jenny leaves the camp to get back to the newest yard monkey she cranked out, while Murtagh gets the horses ready. She gives Claire a bag of gold and a dagger. To which I said, “That better be magical man, because she’s going to have to brave all kinds of danger, and if she doesn’t have something along with her, those combat penalties for non proficiency are going to be hella bad. So then before Jenny takes off, Claire tells her “Plant potatoes, and lots of them. Sell any land you can’t use and get as much gold as you can. And write this down. Umm what else, oh yeah, tell your great grandkids to buy GE stock, and IBM. Yeah, and in two hundred years or so, there’s gonna be a guy named Adolph Hitler. Tell everyone that guy’s a dick. Because he is. So write that down.” And jenny’s all, well, if I had paper and pencil, I would, but seeing how there’s nothing like that round, I’ll remember. Okay, bye!” And Claire goes off, thinking, “Yeah, all that dumb broad’s going to remember is plant potatoes and sell land I’m sure.” 11. So, Murtagh’s eyebrows have a plan. Go around the country in the search for Moony eye posing as a healer (which Claire is) and a sword dancer (Which Murtagh is). So we have a montage of Dr. Claire and the Highlander (which would be a cool show this season on ABC to replace that stupid House show with the recycled storyline. I can see the tag line now, “Join Claire Fraser and Murtagh Fitzgibbons on their wacky adventures in 18th century Scotland!”) 12. No one has seen or heard from or seen our strong red headed lad at all, in several villages. And while, Claire is doing her doctoring, and at one point there’s a guy with a splinter the size of Gibraltar in his hand she pulls out and I’m all, “EEEEWW! I bet that hurts like a bitch.” and then she pours alcohol on it, and I’m hurting for the guy even worse because I know that has to sting all to hell. Then there’s a woman who Claire is doing a fortune on and it’s the same thing Mrs. Graham told her. “You’ll meet strangers, in fact there’s a red headed one that’s all strapping and handsome and the way he looks at you makes your lady parts burn and your ovaries explode so have you seen this guy?” and the lady’s answer is the same as most of the female audience, “Baby, if I saw that dude, I wouldn’t be here.” Murtagh yells at Claire that she shouldn’t be doing the fortune telling while he’s dancing, but Claire’s all, “Well, dude, you suck at it so there’s that, yeah?” and murt answers “Okay, well, you have a point but it’s the only way I can think of to make the kid come out of the woodwork so until then, keep your fortune telling until I’ve finished the dancing bit of our two part show, would you? Oh and here’s an apple someone threw at me, just in case you’re hungry.” 13. So yet another village down, and still more sword dancing, and Claire is picking up stuff people are throwing at Murtagh, all the while shaking her head and coming up with a brilliant idea of her own. “I don’t get it,” he says. “Why don’t people like this whole sword dance thing?” and Claire says, “Dude, you have to jazz it up.” “Jazz?” asks Murtagh, “What’s that, lass?” “You know, a song that is sped up, like Bugle Boy from Company B!” “What’s a bugle?” “ Oh, dinna fash it. Here’s the lyrics.” and then she starts on it and people around her are looking like, “What the hell is she smoking? Actually, that’s a catchy tune.” The thing is, it’s too modern, and in order to make it more Scottish, they change the lyrics. These involve a bunch of gibberish that only the Scots know because all I got out of it was boys and Aberdeen and boogie woogie. (not that it matters to anyone, I’m just saying is all.) Also, in order for them to be more noticeable, Claire has to dress up in men’s clothing and prance about the stage while singing this bawdy tune. 14. So the first time Claire comes out in her Sassenach outfit, I’m like, “I love it!” Great outfit, Terry Dresbach! Which is another reason you need an Emmy because damn, woman, you know your fashions, for sure. And the first time Claire gets on stage with the whole Sassenach thing and sees the dirty smelly unforgiving audience, she’s alike, “Oh, fuck!” which is the best line of the show so far and is a total LMAO moment. The first show is a hit, and they take the Sassenach and the Sword Dancer show on the road (Which is an even better show on NBC next season. A lot better than that Grey’s Anatomy crap they put on with the boring plot line, recycled love stories, and the killing off of main characters on a regular basis… Oh wait, that’s Game of Thrones, never mind.) 15. During one of their forays into the whole routine, a gypsy king notices the song and dance and says to himself, well, why come up with original material when I can steal the Bugle Boy song?” So in the next village, the Gypsies have taken the song and are using it to greater effect because well, they do it better yeah? And when Murtagh and his delicious eyebrows confront the guy about it the gypsy king says as much. “Yeah, we took it and made it our own because well, for all intents, you guys suck at it.” “But there’s all kinds of copyright problems” Claire says. And the gypsy is all, “What’s a copyright? We’re going to sing it and perform and make some coin, dig?” to which Claire offers to pay the guy off, because love. And Murtagh is pissed, and says as much. The guys says, “yeah, I promise. We won’t perform it ever again.” with fingers double crossed behind his back. And Murtagh’s like, “dude, you do and I’ll introduce you to what I like to call the ‘Courier and the dagger’ trick.” “I dinna ken what that trick is,” says the man. “Good,” answers Murtagh. “That means I performed it perfectly last time.” 16. So its another montage of them traveling and performing the songs and still nothing until they get to the shores of northern Scotland where they haven’t searched at all. But still our Ginga Ninja hasn’t shown his pretty moony eyes yet so they camp in a cave and talk about what to do next. They are clearly frustrated and getting on each other’s nerves, and Murtagh asks why she doesn’t give up the search. She’s all, “dude, uh, I didn’t know we’d be running after the Disappearing Scotsman (Which would be a great show on CBS next season) and Lurve, which you haven’t had your entire life.” To which he says, “What do you know, huh? I loved his mother! I mean, I wanted to marry her and I gave her these awesome bracelets I made after I killed this boar with the sweat of me brow and me own two hands, but do they call me Murtagh the boar killer? NO!” “Oh, these?” Claire asks, and shows him the bracelets that Jenny gave her one day. “Yeah, those. Where did you get them?” and Claire is all, “Jenny gave them to me. She told me about some guy who gave her these but never told her who it was. So I guess that was you, huh?” And Murtagh answers, “Yeah, that was me. But then she went off and married Brian, so there’s that, yeah?” “Mine now, suckah!” says Claire. But they have a nice huggy lovey dovey moment and cry on each other’s shoulders because, you know, Love. 17. So in the morning they decide to go back to the beginning and search some more. And the first village they come to, the gypsy king returns. Claire is finished with a more detailed fortune, involving blimps in new York, the championship CUBS of 1908 (yeah, bet on that because that’s the last time they’ll ever win the World Series, and that Hitler guy, “Because he’s just a douche, so tell your grand kids, watch out. Oh, and buy stock in Rockefeller up until about 1925 and move to the new world because shit’s going to get tough over here one day. Oh and failing that, potatoes. Plant lots of them.” They gypsy tells her he went back on his word, which she knew anyway because no one trusts a gypsy apparently. And he says he received word for the Sassenach to meet a guy at some abandoned ruin that Murtagh knew about. So they rush to the place hoping to find Jamie only to find DUN DUN DAH 18. Dougal! Oh boy… well, he has news about Jamie, and it’s all bad. 1. He’s been captured. 2. He’s in Wentworth prison. 3. He’s set to hang for murder (which if you remember he didn’t do but the English don’t really care about that because they love to hang Scots) Claire’s all, “So are you going to go save him?” Dougal’s all, “Yeah, about that. See, here’s the thing. I’ve never liked the kid from the start, so here’s what’s going to happen: he’s going to hang, you’re going to get Lallybroch, and I’m going to marry you which means, I’ll get Lallybroch, so for me it’s a Win Win.” Claire says, “No way buddy boy. We have to go rescue Jamie. And I wouldn’t marry you on a bet.” “But you have to,” says Dougal. “My wife died, and that whole, ‘Marry a time traveling witch who has my love child’ thing didn’t really work out too well for me so you’re it, baby doll.” “Tell you what,” Claire says. “I’m going to go try to spring Jamie from Wentworth but if I don’t get there in time, I’ll marry you. But only if we can have the honeymoon at a place called Craig na Dun, yeah?” and Dougal is all, “Great I get to grind your corn at last.” “By the way,” she says, “I’m going to need a few guys to help out with that so can I talk to the fellas and enlist their aid?” and he’s like, “Sure, but I’m not going.” and she replies, “Fine, I wouldn’t want your help anyway.” 19. So she goes and talks to the guys about helping spring Jamie. At first they’re all, “Uh yeah, no. that’s suicide there.” and she brings up Fort William. Rupert says, “That was a third level adventure, man. This is a lot higher on the challenge rating.” But Willie, the low level NPC companion steps up and says, “Yeah, I’ll go. Besides, Jamie was good to me, and protected me, and I lurve some Jamie Moony eye Fraser.” And then Rupert says, “Fine. If he’s going, I’ll go.” and Angus, seeing that he’ll be deprived of the other half of his comedy duo “The Rupert and Angus Show” (which would be a great show on FOX starting next season) decides to go too. So off the intrepid adventurers go to the mighty castle of Wentworth Prison to rescue the hero from the clutches of the bad guy Jonathan Woolverton Randall Esquire, Captain of His Majesty’s Eighth Dragoons. And the show ends with the five of them looking at the prison, a huge and imposing castle that seems insurmountable. So that was the last light hearted show before the next two, which are heavier than a box of boulders at the bottom of the ocean from what I have seen and read. Sorry these recaps have been slow going recently, as I’ve had a lot of life changes lately, and my time has been sucked up with work, work, and more work. Truly I feel like a World of Warcraft minion sometimes. Sorry there’s no Jamie moony eye pic of the week but he wasn’t in the show this episode at all, so I don’t have one. I suppose I could take one from a previous episode, but since I was deprived of the big lug, I suppose it’s not that awful for you all to be deprived of him in this recap either. Mean, I know, but we are all in the same boat here, so there’s that, yeah? So I’ll see you all in a few days when the episode 15 recap is finished. Thanks again for reading and showing up to my corner of the Outlander world. Peace! oh what the heck. I can’t deprive you of Moony Eye just because he wasn’t in the show.