Not in Scotland Anymore Episode 202

Hello everyone! This week’s episode had it all, including mentions of sex toys, honey pots, the descriptions of male body parts that should only be used in intimate conversations, and dresses that leave absolutely nothing to the imagination. So, if frank talk of human sexuality bothers you, I suggest you not read this recap, as I may get a little ribald from time to time in order to describe the events that happened in this episode. I’ll try to be as clean as possible so as not to upset the more delicate flowers among you, but I am a guy, and I will get a little forward from time to time. I grew up in a family with eight siblings, mostly girls, and as such was privy to many conversations between them about male and female indelicacies. So for me, nothing is taboo when discussing human sexuality. Also, if you’re reading Diana Gabaldon’s books, nothing I talk about in this recap should bother you. My apologies in advance if it does. Feel free to give me any comments and I will endeavor to treat them all with respect.

Also, at times a few have bristled at some of the more adult language I use from time to time in my recaps. I try desperately to keep this down, but sometimes it just gets out, and I only use those words to drive a point home. So, if these words offend you, I apologize in advance. Once again, why are you reading Outlander if these words frighten you? So with those warnings up front, you have the opportunity now to leave, lest you read anything that you may find objectionable.

Ok, still here? Let’s get on with it, shall we?

1. We start, as episode 10 from last season with a wonderful love making session between our dynamic duo, Jamie and Claire. It’s pretty decent missionary married sex, but half way through, Black Jack Randall rears his ugly mug and pretty much ruins the whole thing like when you’re in the middle of self pleasure and an image of your mother appears and takes you out of your cheerleader fantasy. Oh, that’s never happened to you? Sorry. Where was I?

Oh yeah, the lovemaking session that turns into a Jack Randall PTSD Flashback. Then Jamie pulls a knife and I screamed “”NOOOOO” as he started stabbing. Now, I thought they were actually going at it, and he was stabbing Claire until I realized, in between the buckets of blood being splashed on our fair hero, that this wasn’t the case. Jack appears to die, then opens his eyes again and BAM! Jamie flies awake sweating buckets. Claire tries to comfort him and is unable to. Jamie gets up to go and check last night’s receipts and Claire just watches him go saying, “Hey, Randall’s dead, so what’s the problem?” and Jamie is all, “Dude’s still in my head, and that’s worse.”

Which it is, seeing as how its only been a few months since the Wentworth ordeal. People have said they want their Jamie back, and I get it, but you have to understand. When one suffers a trauma such as Jamie did, it’s not something one ever gets over. There are times in the later books that he is still dealing with this sort of thing thirty years later. I’m no psychiatrist but I do know people who have experienced horrible incidents of abuse and trauma and they still haven’t totally gotten over it, even after years of counseling. So to have Jamie back to his pre Wentworth self is asking a bit much from the audience, and its asking a bit much from Claire. It’s not something Mr. Alpha Male Fraser can do. As a man from the eighteenth century who is supposed to be high testosterone strong as a bear and stubborn as a mule, he isn’t equipped with the feelings to talk it out. So lay up on the guy, would ya? Thanks!

2. Next we see Claire getting ready for a shopping trip. They’re in Paris at Jared’s estate with a full staff of trustworthy employees that want Claire and Jamie to be more sloppy so they’ll have something to do. Like Aint Bee, they need to be needed. Servant girl seems a little too eager to want to do the linens and make the beds. But Claire, ever the sport, says, “Yeah, go ahead and remake the bed, do whatever you want. Who am I to argue?” And she goes out to get into the carriage. The guy’s all, “Carriage is ready, ma’am.” and she’s so bored with the whole exchange. “Yes, of course it is.” like, whatever.

Then she’s recounting what Paris was like in the Twentieth century, lamenting how she never got to go to the Eiffel tower because the Germans closed it and all. Then she’s all, “And the French Revolution is coming up and in forty years these streets will be rivers of blood.” Jesus H Roosevelt Christ, Claire, who’s a Debbie downer? Lighten up, kiddo! Then she gets out of the carriage and starts walking up the stairs and for some reason, this little interaction made me chuckle…

SIDE NOTE: I think we can all say that Terry Dresbach is the reincarnation of Edith Head. I mean, that Dior dress was astounding, and the other costumes throughout this whole show, both seasons, have been nothing short of stellar. There needs to be some awards and accolades during the Awards show seasons for this woman soon. Really, I have seen very little on television lately that matches the quality and unerring historical accuracy this woman shows for her creations. She has a level of professionalism that is unmatched in the visual media these days. Wonderful work as always!

3. Then we get to Master Raymond. He’s a short apothecary who knows French and English. Claire notices something on the counter, Crocodile blood. Which she then just picks up, pops the cork, and takes a whiff because she’s Claire “I Do What I want Without Asking” Fraser. She dissects it, and it turns out to be nothing more than Mustard, a few other Herbs and Spices and pig’s blood. To which Raymond is all, “Nose isn’t used for something other than a hat rack, I see.“ Claire asks him for something to make Jamie fall asleep and stay that way. So he and his assistant go about getting all the required unguents and herbs mixed and ready for the sleeping potion. It’s a he rattles off a lot of Horcrux this and Avada Kedavra that nonsense, while flying around on various moving stepladders like he’s the next Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. Then he goes to the workbench while Claire watches, telling him she’s a healer.

“You aren’t Claire ‘The Troublemaker of Paris’ Fraser, are you?” he asked, awestruck, like he’s just met his movie star crush. “You bet I am, daddy-o,” she answers. “Why do you ask?” and he tells her that the Compte Petrole du Jour, AKA Compte St. Germaine, told him about he incident at the docks. He explains that the Compte was not happy, and she should watch her back. Claire says, “Are you and he friends?” and Raymond explains they’re more frenemies than anything else. So that makes Claire and Raymond Besties and she doesn’t have to pay for the sleeping potion. Claire doesn’t seem to worry about the Compte, as she has two Highlanders with her to watch her back. Well, one’s watching her back, the other is watching her backside. bad ump bump. (I know, I couldn’t help it…)

4. Murtagh and Jamie are fighting in a park somewhere in the city. It’s a verdant place with green grass, lovely manicured trees, and riddled with nosy spectators. Apparently Jamie’s hand is a little better, as he has it wrapped with leather. The pair are going at it back and forth with swords and daggers. Murtagh is pushing that hand, mocking him like a trainer should. Jamie gets the upper hand, turns with a flourish, and “wins” the fight, thus ending it.

Sitting down a bit later, they’re talking about missing Rupert and Angus. And at this point so am I. I know we’ll see them in episode seven or eight once all this political nonsense is over, but why couldn’t they have come with the guys to Paris? Can you imagine the damage they would be doing to the bars and brothels? On second thought, maybe not. I can only imagine that would make the streets rivers of blood before the French Revolution. Nahh, better to keep them in Scotland.

Murtagh hates it here, and complains that it’s not Scotland. It smells of the chamber pot. He wants real Scottish dirt under his feet, with the lovely scenery, and moors and lochs and heather that stretches for miles. Jamie tells him, “Once we get all this political shit sorted out, we’ll go back. Just a few more months maybe.” Murtagh then looks up at the spectators and gets annoyed. He’s been annoyed since he got to France, and I’m thinking, you can take the Highlander out of Scotland but you can’t take the Scotland out of the Highlander. Because then he looks at all the people and yells at them to go away or he’ll “Cut their balls off” His words, not mine. Obviously this shocks the fragile minds of the spectators and at this point

He tells Jamie, “Listen, all we have to do to end the possibility of a rebellion is to kill Charles Stewart.” and Jamie’s all, “Dude, that won’t work, because then we’ll have to deal with his father, and no one wants that. Then there’s the whole, ‘Mess up the future’ thing Claire’s always on about so that’s out.”

5. Back at home, Claire brings in a letter from Jared. Jamie reads it and says, “Jared has arranged a meeting with Charles Stuart. Wicked awesome!” and Claire’s all, “Where is it?” Jamie answers that it’s “In a brothel” just as nonchalant as you please. Like, “I’m going to the store, you want anything?”

6. At the Brothel our intrepid duo is drinking with Charles Stuart. The man who would be King. Already I’m under whelmed. And so is Murtagh when they talk about Scotland. But first, they are given a show by the ladies of the house. Murtagh’s expressions here are priceless, and when they get to the end and start talking about dildos he has this look like

And I’m thinking, “Bold move by the producers here!” That was unexpected. Not the dildos, I mean. they’ve been around since ancient Sumerian and Babylonian days. The fact that Ron and Co. would go there with the display of sex toys on national television. Of course, I’m sure there’s been mention of them before on different shows, and I’m sure some of my more TV addicted readers can tell me, (not that I would want to know anyway, I just have no memory of it) it was just a bit shocking. And the lady is handing them out like Oprah, “You get a dildo! You get a dildo! Everybody gets a dildo!”

Then the guys talk about the Rising, and how the Scottish clans are getting together. Jamie tries to convince him that the clans aren’t as united in this as he thinks. But Stuart will have none of it. He is convinced Jamie is a defeatist. Jamie’s all, “Dude, really? I’ve got two hundred scars on my back and a broken hand because of the British, so don’t go telling me I don’t have the will to fight. Have you ever been to Scotland?”

“Well,” Stuart says, “No, but I’ve heard its really pretty.” Murtagh does a face palm. He says, “How are you going to unite the clans if you’ve never been to the prettiest place on the planet? These guys are simple folk, they don’t give a damn about war. It’ll take a lot to get them to turn their scythes into swords for some ponce out of Italy. Get real, mon!”

Stuart’s all, “I don’t remember inviting you. This is an A and B conversation between Jamie and I so C your way out of it.” to which Jamie replies, “Hey, where I go he goes, and he can say anything he wants. He’s right. It’s going to take a lot to get these people to fight for you.”

Stuart finishes the conversation by saying he’said the right hand of God and that he is going to be king by divine right. He implores Jamie to go to Versailles and talk to the French minister of finance, Duverney. Jamie accwpts and kisses his ring, inwardly thinking I’m making a deal withthe devil.

Stuart ends the conversation by saying he has “need of a woman… or two.” I already hate this dude. I’m sorry, he just does nothing for me. If he’s the one who is going to have to raise an army and take on the English, he needs to do better than this to inspire the greatness he hopes to achieve. Jees, at least be a William Wallace or something. (I know, the kid’s no Braveheart, but damn, he could at least try, yeah?)

7. Back at Jared’s our trio of Future altering misfits are talking about Stuart the Ponce, (I think that’s what I’ll call him from now on. I just don’t like the guy, I really don’t.) and discussing their options. During the brothel discussion, he mentioned meeting with the French minister of finance, Duverney. They need to get to him before Stuart does in order to stop him from giving up the loan. That involves getting invited to one of the king’s opulent parties that seem to happen on the regular. For that, Claire decides to phone a friend, Louise De Rohan. Apparently Louise is a happening chick and is high society enough to get her an invite.

8. Claire goes to visit Louise De Rohan, who is getting her body waxed at the time. Claire is admiring her pet monkey in a cage.

This girl’s got everything. Huge estate, money, influence, and even her very own beautician. But this guy must go through a lot of medical bills because every time he waxes on and waxes off he gets slapped, cursed, and at one time actively punched in the nose. Is it horrible of me that I laughed every time she does this? She even waxes her honeypot, which is another euphemism for the delicate part of the female anatomy wherein children are produced. She claims this is because the men like a bare hoo ha, which leads me to believe she has more than a few lovers as well. She offers up the services of her ‘leg man’ to Claire. Mamma C just smiles and we fade to black.

This is also the scene where we meet little timid miss Mary Hawkins, who will play a large part in the narrative of the story going forward. The girl is affianced to a rich fat noble man who is like old enough to be her great grandfather. Mary is a twig of a girl, barely past puberty. She is put off by her Chaperone, Lady Rohan, and looks away when she sees even the barest of skin while the woman is flouncing on her couch wearing nothing but a robe. Louise is all, “Honey, get real. Embrace your body, it’s the only thing you have that will get you anywhere in this world.” which at this point is true, because women of the times had to sleep their way to the top, as it were, just to have any remote chance of power in society.

9. So then we come to the scene where Claire is attempting to seduce Jamie. She gets into bed wearing nothing but a shift. He’s all, “Cue the Barry White” and then feels down below. “Wait,” he says, “You did something new, didn’t you?” and she smiles demurely saying, “Yep, waxed the hoo ha today, you like?” at first he seems upset about it, “Why did you rid yourself of a lovely forest?” and I’m thinking, “Damn, girl if you have a forest there, you needed to do something!” bad ump bump. (I know, give me a little credit here, I’m trying!)

Well things get started in earnest and he’s into the whole thing until that damnable image of Randall hits him in the forehead like a ten pound sledge hammer. Again. And it totally harshes his buzz at this point so like frustrated wives everywhere, Claire says, “Let’s just hold each other.” He turns over embarrassed and feeling like less of a man, as well he should. Because he can’t help it. I like the fact that we see a lot of stuff in this season from his point of view. In the books (I promised I would never say that, but indulge me for a second) we never see the torment he is going through.

SIDE NOTE: Sam is killing the PTSD moments this season. We have to understand, the torment, punishment, and downright physical torture he endured last season has only been a few months ago. Of course he is going to have some moments where he can’t perform his manly duties, even with a wife as beautiful as Claire. Oh by the way, isn’t that what Randall did to him? Make himself look like Claire to Jamie? So is it any wonder that every time he tries to bed his wife or think about her, even so soon after being sexually assaulted, he sees Randall instead? Yeah, I thought so. So lighten up on the guy, huh? He’s not all perfect yet. He still has the Jack Randall demon infecting his mind, and there will need to be more powerful Claire Juju in future to get that monster out of him. It will happen, trust me.

10. So two weeks later it’s off to the royal ball, and Claire enlisted the help of quite a few of Louise’s Fairy Godmothers to get this outfit together. Jamie and Murtagh are downstairs, and there’s quite a bit of reveal here, with the crimson fabric swooshing down the stairs, intercut with the guys talking about mundane stuff. And I would like to at this time congratulate the costume design once again for such a bold outfit.

SIDE NOTE: What you think I wouldn’t say something about this scene? Okay, I have a nitpick because my Book Purist side is going to come out. I’m not saying anything about the dress. It was stunning. In the book, this was a big scene. And Jamie’s reaction mirrored that of the source material. However, I have an issue with the revelation of this outfit so far in advance of the show premiere. This is the Red Dress, not some homely fashion that could have been shown in any number of ways. This was a signature piece of costuming art. And in the weeks prior to the release of the show, it was splashed all over magazines, billboards, busses, building walls, and social media. So the scene went from a big reveal to “Yeah, been there, saw that.” It lost the dramatic oomph the scene was supposed to have. Yeah, the guy’s reaction was priceless. However, it could have been done better. It seems to me Ron & Co. would have done a better job of keeping that particular dress in the dark until this episode. Oh well, Book Purist rant over

 

11. (By the way, I know this one is kinda long, I really tried to get rid of some stuff, really. Just bear with me here for another few minutes, I promise it gets better)

At the ball we meet Madame Annalise de Marillac, a former girlfriend of Jamie. I can understand his pain here, because its never easy meeting a former love interest with your wife on your arm. Annalise sends him through about six stages of embarrassment, and Claire plays along, deliciously making him squirm. When he was in France, before the events of Outlander season one, he was in a duel with another man for the woman’s affections. Well, he won the duel but she chose the other guy, which worked out in the end for Mama Claire. However, the guy died and left his wife all his money which worked out in the end for Annalise as well. Sounds like this guy had a bummer of a life, yeah?

Anyway, Annalise offers Jamie the chance to meet the king on his throne, which Jamie accepts to his dismay because the throne isn’t one of those that are fashioned from the Thousand foes of Aegon the Conqueror. It’s a throne all guys sit on in the morning while reading the paper or looking at their phones, and sometimes we have the same problem as King Louis. I have an issue with this because who the fuck lets all these guys into the bathroom to cheer this guy on?! He’s trying to take a dump here, not presiding over national security events. Let the man take a shit in peace, yeah?

Well, Jamie breaks in while all these guys are giving advice and says, “Why don’t you eat parritch?” and the king says, “That’s peasant food, I don’t eat that.” to which Jamie’s all, “Suit yourself, but it’s going to be a problem for a while, so there’s that. Good luck.”

12. In the main hall, the ladies ask Claire what the English call the male organ. She says, “Well, it’s sometimes referred to as Peter, or prick, or John Thomas, your willie or your cock, penis, dong, it’s swell to have a stiffie, it’s divine to have a dick. From the worlds greatest todger, or the world’s smallest dick! Your wife‘s best friend, your piece of pork, and sometimes a one eyed trouser snake. Hey that would make a cute song, wouldn’t it?” and one of the women says, “Well, the English have such brutish words. No offense” And Claire’s all “None taken…” While shooting ice into the woman’s eyes.

Claire leaves the room to get some fresh air, well, as fresh as you can get in the city of Cesspools, and barely gets out of the place to sit down when she is accosted by Duverney, the minister of Finance. Apparently, she said something to Louise, and the woman sent him after Claire without telling him why. Well, all he knows is the woman in the red dress wants him and he assumes it is to indulge in his foot fetish. She keeps trying to push him off, but then Jamie comes to the rescue, and before she can say anything, he pushes the guy off of the balcony into a pool of water.

When Claire finally manages to tell Jamie that this was the guy they were looking for, the Minister of Finance, he’s all, “Oops, sorry, my bad.” and helps the guy up. Later, Duverney is trying to dry his wig out near the fire and the king comes in. apparently he finished moving his hindquarters, because he looks a little more comfortable. And anyone would be comfortable with what is hanging on his arm.

13. The Royal Mistress, with a dress that leaves little to the imagination. Especially when it comes to the boobage and the nipples which are pierced with what looks like diamond swans. Murtagh’s looks here are priceless.

The king thanks Jamie for his advice, and walks away, Swan dress in tow. Then Murtagh sees this guy.

14. Fucking Sandringham? Okay, somebody needs to kill this epic douche bag. Like yesterday! He apologizes to Jamie about the petition of complaint and how Randall insisted that he give it up, and how unfortunate it was what happened and all that nonsense. Claire, ever the stoic, is staring him down like a magnifying glass on an ant. He says, “I notice you’re a wine merchant now,” and orders a case of Belle Rouge Port at a significant mark up because he doesn’t want any hard feelings between them. Jamie’s more than agreeable, and I can only think its going to go bad for Dukie pretty soon.

Claire shoos the men folk off and when they’re alone for the moment I started yelling, “Hit him Claire! Hit him! Be the only one in Paris that can say they slapped the Duke of Sandringham! This is your chance to do something for your fellow man! Knock his lights out! Hit him! You’ll be the envy of the world, Claire! They‘ll be selling t-shirts that say “I slapped the Duke of Sandringham! Half of paris would give their eyeteeth to take a whack at Sandringham!” Then his assistant comes up, coughing and wheezing into a hankie. “You Just missed your chance to hit him, Claire!”

She recognizes the kid as the one who was flirting with one Mary Hawkins not so long ago, and Sandringham says, “Oh yes, this is Alexander Randall’s younger brother.” to which Claire says, “Oh, so sorry to hear about your brother’s death (not).” And young Alex is all, “Nahh, he ain’t dead, I just got a letter from him the other day. Said something cryptic about coos and highlanders and revenge. Do you know what that’s about?”

“Yes, Claire,” Sandringham says, “He’s alive. What, you thought dropping a door on him would kill him? Nope, this guy is made up of part devil hide and dragon bone. He ain’t shuffling off this mortal coil just yet.”

And at this point, I want to reach into the screen and throttle that smug son of a bitch! I get sick whenever he comes on screen. I know Jamie and Murtagh are going to kill him in brutal ways. They have to. Jamie won’t have just a simple apology, He will have blood before this is all over.

Well aren’t you all satisfied with yourself, mister? He’s walking away to see the fireworks while giving her that Cat Just Ate The Canary smile, thinking he’s won this particular duel between the two of them. And I’m just sitting there waiting for Murtagh to come back and stab him in the fucking throat. The fireworks are going on, and as a juxtaposition to the fireworks in Claire’s thoughts, she wonders in voice over if she should tell Jamie that Randall is alive. She is just about to get her husband back when his former tormenter isn’t as dead as they all thought.

Fade to black. The end. Told you a lot of stuff went on this episode, huh? See you all next week.

Now here it is, your Jamie MooneyEye pic of the week.