Episode 310 “Heaven and Earth”

Hello everyone! Wow, it’s been a while. Dear lord, I didn’t think my computer problems would ever end. But now I’m at a point where I can finish my season 3 recaps and hopefully get them done before this latest Droughtlander ends. Sorry for the delay for those of you who are still with me. And for those who are, please share so that everyone who loved my work can know I’ve woken up again to all things Outlander. Well enough of my blathering and lets get on with it, yeah?

 

1. Without any credits we start off with Jamie and Fergus talking about a bag of potpourri.

 

 

As they are talking, Fergus looks up and tells Jamie that the Porpoise is leaving the Artemis high and dry. With Jamie’s wife on board. The wife who just recently came into his life after a 20 year hiatus. Yeah, that wife. Not the crazy one that shot him in the arm or tried to kill his other wife in a witch trial. That’s the second wife.   And that’s when I realize how messed up this entire series is because Jamie should only have ever had ONE wife. I’m talking Claire. But we all knew that.

 

So naturally he goes full on crazy eye on the captain, demanding that the captain chase down the Porpoise.

 

 

I mean, Jamie seriously has crazy eye syndrome here. And then he attacks the captain and demands he follow the ship. And this doesn’t sit well with the crew so they draw blades and guns at Jamie. Jamie’s pals don’t like this at all, so they draw blades and guns at the other ship mates. It’s a full on standoff. The captain tells Jamie to have his men lower their blades. Seeing he has the situation out of control, he agrees.

 

With peace now in hand, the captain orders the crew to take Jamie to the brig until he’s calmed down. Which will be a while because we all know Jamie isn’t the one to calm down while his wife is in danger. (the first wife, ken?)

 

2. On board the Porpoise, Claire is doing her thing which includes ordering men around all Twentieth Century fashion and the men balking and being disagreeable in their Eighteenth Century fashion.

One guy steps up and asks how they’re going to clean up all the shit, but Claire informs him that it’s just vomit. Which isn’t so horrible, but still pretty shitty. Then, as she is walking away, the same guy is all, “grumble grumble mumble, lady doctor.” Which is completely unheard of because in his time, that’s an oxymoron.

Mr. Pound gets in this guy’s face and explains to him that the man was ordered to do whatever she said and to give the lady all due respect. The guy says, “As you wish, sir.” with the air of “Fuck off, kid.” but then goes back to work trying to mop up vomit.

As they are leaving, they have to dip their hands in alcohol, which Mr. Pound does, but then starts licking his fingers. Well, this doesn’t sit well with Claire, and she gives him a lecture on sanitation and germs and why alcohol is needed to get rid of the infection.

 

3. When they are out on deck, the kid comes up and gives her a tricorn hat to ward against the sun. Then he explains that there just so happens to be a couple of rum runners who are on the ship that could set up a still to make pure grain alcohol. Well, this has to go through another chain of command, the purser. And he isn’t too wild about the whole idea at all.

 

Finally, after the reality of the situation, and a steely eyed Claire Fraser MD, he relents and asks how many casks they need. At which she answers, “How many men do you want me to save?” at which point, I’d like to think all of them, except that one guy who sings the off key shanty songs, that guy can be thrown overboard, because that guy sucks.

4. Claire and Mr. Pound go back into the hold to check on the crew and already the still has pumped out some pure grain alcohol. They’re going down the aisle, and Claire asks Mr. Pound what his name is. He goes by Elias. And then he explains that he’s been in the navy since he was seven. And I’m all like, “Dude, seven, really? At seven years old I was just playing with Legos and reading Spider-man comics. This kid is hardcore. I hope nothing happens to him.” Because at this point I’m starting to get fond of the kid.

Then they come to a friend of his who has died and tells the back story of how this man came from the same village as he, and how his mother was dead, and how he can’t make wait to get to Jamaica to start a new life and get married and raise a few bairns of his own and live happily ever after, which will totally happen.

5. Then she goes to the captain’s cabin to read the surgeon’s journal. Within minutes of investigating, she discovers that there is a carrier on board. Yep, the Porpoise has their very own Typhoid Mary, but in this case it’s a Typhoid Joe. He works with the cook now. And Claire is all, “Great, that’s all we need. A carrier of infection serving food. Why did I come back to the Eighteenth Century anyway? Oh yeah, a Ginger Haired highlander with an Adonis physique and a pearly voice that melts my ovaries with a glance.”

So they go to the Galley and the Joe Howard is all, “Dudes, I’m feeling fine, like, let it go already, yeah?” And the cook pretty much echoes his sentiment, which makes me wonder why the cook hasn’t gotten sick yet. Claire explains to Mr. Mansplainer Cook that the source of the disease is serving food and that’s why men are still dying. He’s complaining about having to boil water (like that’s a fresh concept) and half rations of grog but Claire insists something be done with Typhoid Joe, and the captain has no other option than to have the man arrested and thrown in the brig.

6. And speaking of the brig, Here’s Jamie, getting seasick again because he doesn’t have Mr. W’s acupuncture. He can’t eat or keep anything down, even when Fergus comes down to help him

 

 

Fergus thinks about this for a minute and says he can’t do it. The men will never come around. And I’m getting that, too. I mean, come on, Jamie, you’re weak, ill equipped for a battle, and it’s seven against twenty.

Jamie has an answer for how to get to the Porpoise but it involves getting rid of Jared’s wine. But when they reach the other ship, he doesn’t have a plan for that. Fergus is still not having any of this talk. Jamie says, “I know now I was right not to give you my blessing. Because you dinna ken what love is.”

And I realize that just because this show, I’ve been using the phrase “dinna ken” in my speaking pattern lately and that’s why I’ve been getting silly looks. Fergus says he may not be a smart man, but he knows what love is. Jamie scoffs, “If you did, you would move Heaven and Earth to be with the one you love.”

Finally, he tells Fergus, “get me the keys and I’ll give you my blessing to marry Marsali.”

 

7. Back on the Porpoise, the bodies of the dead are fitted for burial at sea. It’s a somber moment, with the undertaker sewing up the shrouds for the dead to be thrown overboard. Elias comes to the body of the man from his village. He explains that the person closest to the dead has to sew the last stitch through the nose (I’m guessing so they can discern that the man is really dead.) So he does it, and then they go through the ceremony and at the end of it, they throw the dead bodies over.

8. Later, Claire is hanging out at the railing trying to compartmentalize the deaths when the cook comes up and shoves it in her face that the sickness took eleven men today, more than yesterday and the day before that. And what are you doing? Boiling water. Before he can do anything bad to her, Mr. Pound comes to her rescue like a white knight and I’m loving this kid. I’m sure nothing bad is going to happen to him. Besides, after they talk about his mother and how she sent him on the voyage with a “Good luck kid, you’re on your own,” she also gave him a lucky rabbit’s foot. Which he gives to Claire, so we know both of them have all the luck in the world now.

Moments later, one of the men comes to tell Claire that here’s been another man found ill, and when she asks who it is, they explain it’s the husband of the woman who keeps the goats.

9. So everyone thinks this guy is sick with the typhoid, but it’s a different kind of illness. He’s drunk himself half to death on the pure alcohol because he’s German and that’s apparently what German guys do.

 

 

She apologizes to Mr. Pound for what she said, and he’s all, “Yeah, I’ve heard that from other people but not from a gentle woman.” and Claire says, “I’m not a gentle woman, Mr. Pound.” which is true, because most of the time she’s kicking ass and taking names.

After this ordeal is sorted, she thanks Annika, the lady with the goats, for helping with all the goats milk. The woman asks her if she should keep doing it, and Claire says yes. Then, as she is getting ready to go, she spots a Portuguese flag. Well, this goes into a short flashback where we get Jared explaining that the ship Ian was captured by flew a Portugese flag. Duhn duhnt dun!

“Mr, Jones, when did you get that flag?” she asks the surly guy from earlier who just now happens to have a name because apparently he likes hanging around with Claire and Mr. Pound, because everyone likes that kid. He’s got a long and healthy life ahead of him, Elias does, so everyone wants to be his friend.

Mr. Jones explains that they met up with a ship two weeks ago to find a surgeon but he doesn’t know anything beyond that. Best ask the captain.

10. So she goes to the captain’s cabin, and with him not home, just barges in to do a little snooping on her own. Which never works out, EVER. I mean, like in the history of this series, has anything every worked out for the best when Claire goes snooping on her own? Which goes to show, you never split the party!

So she’s snooping around and finds the captain’s Journal. Turns out, the Portuguese ship wasn’t the Bruja. But then she sees a note about Jamie Fraser being aboard the Artemis, and a guy named Harry Tompkins that told the captain about the seditious pamphlets from three episodes ago.

Just as she is going to leave, here’s our old pal the cook, to fetch the captain’s pipe. But what does he find instead? A snoopy woman he doesn’t like. So his first response to a woman he doesn’t like and doesn’t trust is to push her against a desk and menace her. Why do I get the feeling that every British officer or bad guy read the book “How to be a Dastardly Prick, by Johnathan Wolverton Randall Esq.”?

So after sharing a mutual distaste for each other, Claire threatens to scream, and knowing the captain has the sweets for her, the cook decides to beg off and wait for another time.

A few moments later, she goes back to her room and decides she has to find this Mr. Tompkins.

11. Back on the Artemis, Fergus tells Marsali that in order for them to finally be legitimized by Jamie, he has to steal the keys to the cell and help Jamie take the ship by force. Marsali looks at him the way all women look at their significant other when they’re thinking about doing something stupid.

So he figures it out and they start kissing and then kissing more and she says, “So he’s locked away, she’s on another ship to god knows where, let’s do it.” And he’s about to, but then stops and says he can’t. and it’s not performance issues either, because this kid’s handsome as the devil. She says, “You’re just like him, stubborn.” and he leaves.

 

Leaving her with a face like

12. Back on the Porpoise, Claire brings Mr. Pound in to help him find Mr. Tompkins. She explains that he may be another carrier, and that she needs him brought to her chambers as soon as possible. And left there, so she can talk to him. Alone. With no one around. Where he can’t be heard when he shouts for his bloody life. And don’t inform the captain, because that would be awkward.

Then she tells the kid to get some sleep because he looks kinda ragged. Of course, following Claire Fraser Medicine Woman around all the time will surely leave a kid a little breathless. I’m sure he’s fine though. He’s totally fine. Gonna be a fine sailor one day, that kid.

13. Back on the Artemis, the action is heating up. Fergus goes down the hallway to where the other sailors are talking about Jamie Fraser as if he’s a demi god, which he is. They don’t trust him, or that Frenchy, but that girl he’s with is kinda hot, and they’d like to do a run around on her, or something. So Fergus looks in, sees the keys and decides it’s not worth risking his life for them. He turns around and goes back before any of the sailors see him.

14. Mr. Tompkins is led to Claire’s office kicking and screaming. Once he’s there, Claire tells Mr. Jones and Elias to leave him with her. But then he gets a good look at her and there’s a moment of fear in his eyes, because he knows what’s coming.

Then she goes to the door and clicks it shut.

 

He tells her that he knows who she is, and when she asks who he thinks she is, he says, “Mistress Fraser.” Well, she is running her hand over all manner of death dealing implements but can’t really fucking do anything because that fucking Hippocratic Oath. But he doesn’t know that, does he? No, he does not.

So he goes on with the whole “My life is over, I’ve been burned with hot lead, my arm has been broken I think, I thought I would get a promotion from Sir Percival Turner, but all I got was press ganged onto a plague ship. So put me out of my misery!”

She threatens to do just that, but wants to know more about what he knows about Jamie Fraser. The captain knows Jamie is on the Artemis, and is waiting for you to reach Kingston so he can capture him and have him hanged for murder and sedition.

Wait, Murder?

“Yes,” the man says. “Before we left, we found a dead body in a cask of Creme De Menthe.” and Claire has that Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ look on her face.

Then they take him down to the brig where the other carrier is and put Tompkins in a cell opposite. She then goes on to explain that the man in the other cell is a carrier of the disease, and Tompkins better stay away from the bars as much as possible if he doesn’t want to get sick.

15. Claire then goes to Annika the Goat Lady to check on her husband. Annika is grateful for everything Claire did, even though she didn’t really do a shitting thing. But that’s irrelevant, because she got some pretty delicious smelling goat cheese out of the deal so way to go #TeamClaire.

Annika senses something about Claire’s demeanor and asks what’s going on with her. Well, Claire goes on about how Jamie is a suspect for murder, how he’s going to be picked up in Jamaica and how she’s bait, and she doesn’t know what to do. You know, typical Claire and Jamie troubles. These two can never have nice things.

 

16. Jamie is still in the cell and Fergus comes in to tell him what happened. “I didn’t get the keys because I didn’t try.” he tells Jamie.

“And why the hell not?” Jamie asks, incredulous.

“Because the men on board don’t like you, they don’t trust you, and they’ll throw us overboard if I do it. I couldn’t stand losing Marsali, and you, and everyone I love, so there.” and then he goes to the door. But before he leaves, he says, “You asked me if I would move heaven and earth to save the ones I love. Well I’m saving you too. Perhaps I love too much.” Aww, what a great kid. I hope nothing ever happens to him. I mean apart from having his hand cut off. He’s going to have such a lovely family.

17. Back on the Porpoise, Claire is in the hold with the sick men and Mr. Jones. She notices that there haven’t been any sounds of coughing and vomiting. “They haven’t lost any men for three days,” Mr. Jones explains. “We’re past the worst of it now.”

She pulls out the lucky rabbit’s foot that Elias gave her and goes to find him. She walks past the men singing a jaunty tune about a whore named Nancy or something. I can’t help but smile because there’s so much happiness now that they aren’t a disease ridden ship filled with plague and death. Now that everyone is happy and safe, I’m sure the rest of the voyage is going to go smoothly.

 

MOTHERFUCKER! He wasn’t supposed to die! Elias, don’t go to mother! Claire, you save him. You save him NOW! What the fresh hell is this!? Thanks Outlander, now my eyes are draining. Thanks. So fucking much. Oh my god I hate this show now. You have blood on your hands, you sick bastards! Killing a kid, have you no mercy!!?

And she has to sew the last thing through the nose? Oh my god and she gave him his lucky rabbits foot and I am no fucking good at this point. No good. At. All. Hand me the Kleenex, this is full on ugly cry. This is Dobby the House Elf and Harry digging the grave by hand crying.

18. Ten minutes later when I got myself under control, I hit play again. The captain comes to commiserate with an exhausted Claire. He commends her on her efforts to rid the ship of the disease, but there are other problems.

He leaves after giving her a kudos for her bravery and resilience in this challenge. He couldn’t have done it without her. Then Annika and another man come to tell her that they can smell land. They’re going to set foot on soil again. Annika says, “And my goats need grass,” and then Claire’s all, “Oh, I get it now.” yeah, the girl wanted to tell you that you could escape, girlfriend.

19. On the island, Claire and Annika talk briefly before Claire makes her getaway. Which is about as smooth as a non skid porch paint. She is quickly caught by the Captain and a couple of redcoats.

 

 

Can’t you look the other way on this one? She asks. I mean, I did just save your ship. Come on, dude. Do a girl a solid, would ya? And he’s all, no can do, baby cakes. I took an oath and I have to keep it. Wouldn’t be doing my job if I just let you and your husband go to have all kinds of cool adventures in the mainland, now would I?

So he escorts her back to the ship. But this is Claire Fraser, we’re talking about here. She’ll figure out a way, she always does. I mean, she rescued her husband from the Helwater pit of hell, she’s capable of anything.

20. Back on the Artemis, Marsali and the captain come down and talk to Jamie. They’re close to land, and he needs all able bodies. Jamie is skeptical about this, but Marsali says, “Give him your word you won’t try anything, and he’ll set you free.”

Jamie says, “He must love you a lot to make this kind of deal.” and Marsali is all, “Dude, really? He loves you more. Just give your fucking word so we can get out of this shit.”

So Jamie does, and then gives the kids his blessing once they get to Jamaica. And they’re all, “Yay, we’re team #FerSali again!”

21. Claire is led to the back of the Porpoise by Annika, her new bestie. Annika is all, “You Jump now. You warn husband.” So Claire throws her things overboard, gives the lady a hug, and with a final Jesus H Roosevelt Christ, takes a dive.

The end.

 

And now here it is, your Jamie mooney eye pic of the week.